Numbering Days, Week 49-52

One of the greatest gifts I have is living with a "terminal" label. At first it may seem counterintuitive and perhaps startling, but living terminal really means I get to live each day like having breath in my lungs is a miracle. I watch with wonder as the sun comes up on a new day, in awe that I am here to experience another one. Daily, the love of my life greets me with a wide grin and a warm hug and my heart explodes a bit. I am delighted by my growing children and the unmerited favor that is their lives in mine.

I see it all for what it is...grace, unmerited and amazing, and I am filled with joy that I get all this miracle at least one more time.

This week I had a PET scan and an MRI, head-to-toe. It was sobering to have that much of my body considered in the scans. It is no small thing to be injected with a radioactive substance, to be strapped in, unable to move my hands and legs for 45 minutes at a time....two of these back-to-back. This, along with labs is just about all the information my body can give them.

I drive up to the building resolute, doing what must be done. Very few things I do in this medical world I would categorize as easy. But also I get to choose to see. And I think, for today...

Let it be enough…in a crowded parking lot on a hot day, I got a spot right under a shady tree. 

Let it be enough...flowers are blooming. That which was planted in the spring is now thriving. 

Let it be enough...the enjoyment of a cup of coffee, made sweeter by the delay because of tests.

Let it be enough...the kindness and care of the nursing staff who, mercifully, never offer pity.

The results of everything show that my blood work "score" continues to rise but my oncologist is having a hard time finding evidence from the scans to back up the numbers they're seeing. The good news is that we will hold off on treatment at least another month. It's a dream to have had the entire summer off.

With intentionality, I try to be present in the current moment. I'm learning that's one of the best ways to fully live and not just pull days off the calendar. I also believe it helps time to feel like its passing more slowly.

With a heart full of gratefulness, I am witness to daily miracles. Today is what we have and it is grace. All is grace.

Everything is a grace, everything is the direct effect of our father's love - difficulties, 

contradictions, humiliations, all the soul's miseries, her burdens, her needs - everything, 

because through them, she learns humility, realizes her weakness. Everything is a grace 

because everything is God's gift. Whatever be the character of life or its unexpected 

events - to the heart that loves, all is well. ~  St. Thérèse de Lisieux