Numbering Days, Week 68-70

At the writing of this I'm feeling a bit cynical and all this sounds like a tired, worn story. Do a treatment, climb my way back. Have another call with the doctor, get good or bad news, do another scan. At the moment, it just feels like blah, blah, blah. In reality, each "thing" comes with its own effort, complication, relief, confusion, waiting, despair, hope, second-guessing. 

But the moment I think, who even wants to hear yet another update, so many of your faces come to my mind...you consistently wait with me, hope with me, check in with me, pray for me so faithfully. Care. It actually astounds me and humbles me, especially after all this time. Thank you.

I'm currently on my "off' week after the 5th treatment in this set. On our last call with the oncologist she said the latest MRI showed that the chemo is doing something so we'll do another four-ish rounds before doing scans again. This is good news, this is hard news. 

Mercifully, the last several treatments have been less harsh during the 48 hours I have the pump on. Hydration seems to be the key! I drink a ton of water the couple days before and get a liter of saline during treatment and the result is I'm less sick (and in the bathroom more 😉).

Since we've added hydration and immunotherapy, along with the usual chemo, the infusion time has been extended to about 2.5 hours, which is still much less than the six hours it used to be. The immunotherapy has a strange combination of side effects. It drys out my skin terribly...sometimes my eyelids are so dry I can feel each blink, while at the same time it causes an acne-like rash. On the issue list, these things rank very low; it's just new and different. 

It's not my natural preference, but we've simplified life, adjusting to our current capacity. Most of the photos here show basic, simple, quiet life. There is such grace and sweetness in what might at first appear to be an ordinary moment. But the tough battles I go through to arrive at those moments makes them wonder-filled. A walk, time around a puzzle, a heart talk, Christmas decorating...all things easily taken for granted unless you develop eyes to see what a miracle it actually is. 

I altered my treatment schedule so I'd be feeling well for Thanksgiving and for my little Amanda-girl's birthday. To get to see her another day older and hug her when she turned 17 is what I'm living for. I'm living for another smile from my husband, a life-chat with my eldest who is handling all the things, an 'I love you, Mom' from a boy whose voice is getting deeper. It's all grace.

Meeting my great-niece!

I can only withstand life because I have a God who is with me. Emmanuel. He is the with-us God who heals our brokenness. He is the with-us God who brings real hope. He is the with-us God who is strength in our weakness, who is patient with our failings. He is the with-us God in our tired and worn stories. Emmanuel. We are not alone.