Numbering Days, Week 77-78

We're one month into a fresh, new year. I used to take goal-setting very seriously, confident they could be accomplished with enough will power and self-discipline. New year, new me was a real thing to me. Until it was not.

I remember when I was first sick and we rang in a new year. I couldn't set any goals because I was working on getting through the day in front of me. The ball drop in Times Square changed nothing for me and no amount of habit tracking was going to suddenly make everything ok. 

There is value in setting goals, creating new habits. I truly believe it. But I just want to acknowledge those of you who are living in this new year as the same you. The same you still experiencing the same sickness, or addiction, or marriage problems or problem child. The same you dealing with the same sin, the same loneliness, the same wondering how this could be your life. I get it.

I can tell you that even with the same set of circumstances and the same you, this new year can be new. In ongoing suffering, with an uncertain future...right in the middle, as I lean it, my heart understands God's love for me more fully. My trust in Him grows stronger. He is making me new in the ways that matter. 

I joke that they are doing a side experiment on me to find out how much radiation is too much. Sooo many MRIs, CT scans, PET scans... if I had to guess, I'd say I'm likely around 100, give or take. In general they don't bother me...I'm not claustrophobic and I often just end up falling asleep. The PET scan however always gives me pause....the radioactive substance that goes directly into my veins, the warning to stay away from pregnant women and young children for 24 hours after, the separate restroom (no lines, no waiting!)...its just a little freaky.

This week we had a telemedecine appointment with the Interventional Radiologist doctor. Several times he began a statement with "As you know, your case is very unique...". So I've heard. It is a strange feeling to be the patient they are experimenting with; "off-script", as they say. 

He reviewed the scans and had good news to share with us!! The PET scan from January 24 has demonstrated good response to the ablation with no residual hypermetabolic lesion in the ablated area.

Meaning, the procedure we did earlier in the month was effective! Such good news...a miracle!

We talked through plans for the other procedure, which has unique (there's that word again!) challenges because of the hardware in my back. He's encouraged by the past outcome while being realistic about what we face next. 

Because the second procedure is happening in early March, there was some gray area about whether to squeeze in two chemo treatments, beginning with the one already scheduled for January 31. Since both the IR doctor and my oncologist were waffling back and forth, I helped make the gray area black and white and said, no thank you to chemo treatments in February. I don't get any days off from cancer but several weeks free of needles and nonsense sounds wonderful. In the meantime, I'll be flipping "perfect" pancakes that wow my family. 🤣