I'm in a better place than when I last checked in. The black hole of the "depths of despair" sometimes reaches up, grabs my ankle and pulls me in. Other times I get too close to the edge and slip in. Very occasionally, I give into the temptation to just dive right in and throw a pity party. I know well how to avoid the black hole and I know how to get out and it all requires work on my part.
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.
When I am headed toward or in despair mode, it takes great intentionality and sacrifice. At first, its hard to pray. At first, its hard to find much to be thankful for. When I start to feel hopeless, I don't want to sing. But when I do it, even though I don't feel like it, God meets me. Always. As I remind myself who God is, how good and faithful and majestic He is, the size of my troubles shrinks and my perspective shifts.
Admittedly, this is easier to do when I'm not exhausted. Its easier when my list of physical issues is shrunk down, when treatment is not tomorrow, when my children obey, when things are going well at my job or when there is peace in the world.
In my experience, its a "choose your hard". Its hard to be worried and anxious and hopeless. Its hard to offer a sacrifice of worship when you don't feel like it. What would it look like to give up your worry and instead tell God what you need? To thank Him for all He has done and to trust that He will care for you? How might things change if you directed your thoughts toward good and lovely things? I have found that peace that guards my heart and my mind, even when my circumstances don't change.
This May/June time is filled with so many wonderful celebrations while at the same time the cancer center's calendar is quite full. After unsuccessfully trying to schedule it in, we agreed that missing one seemed like a reasonable thing to do, giving me nearly a month between treatments. I'm living life, full and sweet. We've started the graduation train with the "'06 Club", my nephew and niece and soon Amanda.
And yesterday we celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary on the 30th. So much to say of those nearly 11,000 days. Mostly, my heart is full of gratitude for the gift of this man and our marriage. And that I'm here for it.
