Numbering Days, Week 114-117

I've delayed posting because the most honest thing to write about over the course of the last month is the pain I've been dealing with and I actually hate talking about it. Particularly in my feet, there is a constant vacillation between discomfort and pain that doesn't go away whether I'm sitting, standing, walking, laying down and it starts to wear me down. New or different pain always strikes fear in me, wondering what has changed or grown, what is happening in my body that I cannot see.

I have a choice to stay in that fear or fight back, not to minimize the reality of the pain but to make much of the Healer. And so, I've spent these weeks remembering God's faithfulness. Recalling the ways my life has been marked by His love and faithfulness. Worshipping and magnifying Him. By grace, I've been chosen for intimacy with God and I've spent these weeks of no treatment or tests or procedures getting to know His heart. Truly, He is the prize.

Recalling His past faithfulness makes it possible for me to humble myself, surrender my life and choose again to trust Him. Then, as the Psalm says, I have the light of God's face, which gives me strength and stability, even when life is stormy and uncertain. 

I think of the words of the old hymn

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in his wonderful face

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of his glory and grace

Recently I had a conversation with Amanda and she put into words so beautifully what I'd been mulling over. Later I asked her if she'd summarize what she'd said.

Sometimes our waiting times are when He's doing a deeper work, that's when we truly become faithful to Him, when we wait in faithfulness. When you don't see Him working, you have to remember and cling to all the times He's been faithful to you, and know that He will do it again, because that's the God He is. 

Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. 

Give me relief from my distress;
    have mercy on me and hear my prayer.

In peace I will lie down and sleep,
    for you alone, Lord,
    make me dwell in safety.

Let the light of your face shine on us. Fill my heart with joy.

It'd been two months since my last check (almost four months since treatment), so this week I went back for labs, CT Scan, MRI and even x-rays! 

I walked up to the building and sucked in my breath when I saw the Happy 10 Years to this MSK location. I have been part of MSK for every one of those 10 years of this building. In one unexpected swell of emotions I felt the "and" of gratitude and grief. I'm so thankful to still be here 10 years later and also many days of these 10 years have been really hard. 

(also, for the suggestion box: use seniority to determine wait time! 😁)

A couple days later we had a call with the doctor. The tumor marker number has jumped but the scans look good. Which means treatment can be post-poned! This made us very happy and was a big exhale!!

I will go back in a few weeks to do the one scan that didn't make it into the bundle, the PET scan. Additionally, I'm going to meet with the pain people to see if they can do some sort of blocker to chill out my nerves. Some relief would be welcomed!

Thank you for continuing to pray and care and believe. It blows me away to know how loved I am.