Numbering Day, Week 171-185

A fresh, new calendar year used to excite me greatly. The New Year was a symbol of a fresh start...new goals coupled with new resolve and a planner and goal tracker to prove it. 

My reality changed the year we turned to 2015. I was right in the middle of my first set of chemo treatments. I'd been at it for months and still had some ahead of me so when the ball dropped in NYC to welcome in the new year, nothing felt fresh or new and I was incapable of creating a list of goals and resolutions that would help me do more and be more. It was my first realization that sometimes January 1st does not always mean a fresh new start.

Last January found me in the middle of yet another set of chemo treatments. I was so very sick and my body was so wasted and worn down. I had already been through far more than I ever thought I could bear so as we rang in 2025, all I could think was, I do not want to do this for another year.  I wrestled with, how can I do more of "this"? And also, how can I not?  Of course, I've asked these questions so many times, but last January was different. I could scarcely even pray, but it was a plea for mercy.

In March I took a break from treatments, in June we pursued pain management and finally in October I began to have reliable relief from the pain. Since then, my pain has decreased and my mobility has increased, both dramatically.  I haven't had to filter my whole day through the lens of pain, trying to gauge what activities would cost me in both pain and energy. My body is no longer keeping score of how many times I get up out of a chair. I'm able to stand comfortably in one place for a reasonable amount of time. When I drop something, I can bend down to pick it up. My balance is more stable. And it goes on. I'm still in awe everyday as I go about doing basic things without pain. I feel so free!

Last January, I thought the answer to my pray for mercy was that I would not see 2026. This January, I'm so grateful that the answer to my prayer for mercy was relief from treatments and pain. I'm so grateful I had each of the 365 days of 2025. 

None of us knows what this new year holds. But we can live with a bright hope that there is wholeness ahead.