Numbering Days, Week 5

This was an off week, for which we are grateful. I was in a really good place until yesterday, when it all felt very overwhelming. I let small irritations irritate me and unmet expectations unravel me. In my brokenness, I lived into how I was feeling.  The countdown clock was ticking in my head and there was so much I wanted to do while feeling well. 

I'm struggling, knowing how I will feel five minutes into the injection of chemo. I know the work that is required to get through the days that follow. I even hate that term "get through". I would rather be thriving, making a difference.  

But this morning I woke with peace again, ready to face what must be faced. We know how to manage the yuck and we will. Grace will meet me. And I'll get to the other side again. The good days will come.

Last time we went for treatment, my blood counts were low and barely met the threshold for being able to receive treatment. So my focus this week was doing what was in my control to produce good cells, like exercising and eating certain foods such as fish. Even if its not enough to make a difference, its meaningful to me to be making the effort.

Because I've been on this journey a while, I've already worked through mourning the things I can no longer do, such as running, so that now I'm able to be grateful for the things I can do, even if its with five-pound dumbbells and doesn't require shoes.

Nesting is a thing with pregnancy and apparently with cancer. I've had a strong desire to be rid of clutter. Two weeks ago I was able to relocate the two bookshelves that were in the living room. One is in my bedroom and (weirdly) it makes me happy to be surrounded by the books that have helped grow and shape and encourage me over the years. From early in my life, I've been on an imperfect pursuit of becoming the best of who God made me to be. I just need three more lifetimes to get to where I wish I was.

This week, I moved my efforts to our home office, which felt like it was closing in on me. I have a laptop, but still prefer my desktop, where all my photos are located. When I'm on the computer in my office, inevitably, a person or four will wander in. I love this and wanted to make the space conducive to them staying and chatting. 

It was tough sifting through memories brought on by home closing documents, old photos, 1994 charitable giving statement (??), etc. It all told pieces of the sweet life we've had together. So much life.

The first go around, we were advised to make a file of all medical bills so we could keep track of them, since around 40% of them are wrong. It didn't take long to realize what a nearly impossible task that would be. This folder is just a small sampling.

And...we look for ways to spend time together. This is so hard on all of us, but my four are brave and amazing and patient. I'm so grateful for them and for summertime that has afforded us so much togetherness.

So many of you are holding us in your hearts. The love and prayers, messages and songs, handwritten notes mean so much. We feel seen and carried and not alone.