Doing Battle, Week 72

Yesterday in the early morning hours, before I'd even taken a sip of coffee, a word dropped in my heart, so clearly. Delight. Delight. Can't be right, I thought. Today is the first day of cancer treatment. What on earth would delight have to do with that?

I grabbed my Bible and mug and settled onto my winter spot in the living room. I didn't have a plan for where I'd be reading, only that it would be in the book of Psalm. 

Why? Because that book is filled with poetry and songs and prayers about the human condition. It is questions and doubting and mourning and lamenting. Questions for me, questions for God. It is rawness, it is a heart split wide open, well beyond feeling shame or filters. I often find it an accessible place to help me see what my heart is trying to say. 

I flipped open my Bible and the first verse my eyes landed on had the word DELIGHT in it!!! What?!? Psalm 35:27:

Let those who delight in my righteousness
    shout for joy and be glad
    and say evermore,
“Great is the Lord,
    who delights in the welfare of his servant!” 

From another version:

But give great joy to those who came to my defense.
    Let them continually say, “Great is the Lord,
    who delights in blessing his servant with peace!”

This is my God! So personal, so relational. He is near to the brokenhearted and He promises when we seek Him, we will find him. He is just so kind.

Yesterday was my first of five radiation treatments. I showed up at the door of Memorial Sloan Kettering and took a deep breath, not knowing what to expect. But also, I had such sweet peace. Today was day two and I am still feeling ok. Happy and relieved, really to be implementing a plan!

We have been loved on so well this week. I know so many are praying, I know so many hearts are with us. It is staggering to know how deeply people care, how much support we have. My heart is so full with gratitude.

Cookies and fruit...our people have us covered. :)

Forgot about the medical bills...statistics say 40% of them are wrong. I'm afraid I'll never know.

This sweet guy is content to join me for quiet time on the couch and it makes my heart full.

 

Project 365, Week 5

It turned into an eventful and memorable week...a couple days in New York City, witnessing the sunset at the local farm and so many in between moments. 

January 31

He is the Maker of heaven and earth...— he remains faithful forever. Psalm 146:6

February 1

A few more from our NYC girls/doctor trip.

February 2

When I woke up in pain, I glanced at my phone and realized 1) it was Ground Hog Day 2) I love this crew on my screen saver and 3) it was 12:34. I briefly shook my head at myself when I realized I still cared about numbers while in so much pain. 

Traditionally I like Ground Hog Day because its spent talking about spring (even if its not actually happening), but I have to admit, throughout the day, I thought multiple times how I hoped this would not turn into Ground Hog Day, the movie where the day keeps repeating itself over and over and over.

It was a long, sleepless night in Urgent Care but Avery sent me this picture from home on her way out to school, which made me smile.

The not-so-scenic view from our hotel room.

I got a couple stretcher rides going from procedure to test to procedure. Transport guy Mark was kinder and more personable than he needed to be and it struck me how many ways we all have potential for doing small things to help each other in our humanity.

Amanda and I grabbed a late lunch at a salad/sandwich shop around the corner from the hospital.

Amanda and I made it to the theater and enjoyed Wicked. We really had a good time and she is still over the moon that she got to see it. No other place does it quite like Broadway (duh!)

And to end the night, Colombo and Shaun drove down together, our knights in a shiny silver car! Shaun brought pain meds that he'd filled at our pharmacy and he drove my car and Amanda and I home so we didn't have to stay another night and so I didn't have to drive home the next morning. It was such a relief to have them take over! 

And I just couldn't help feeling that yes, it was one of the longest days I've lived, as in I was awake for nearly all of the 24 hours of it. And yes, there were some difficult and scary parts. But also, so many good things happened. I got set up for a life-saving procedure, I got some incredible, irreplaceable time with my 15-year old daughter, I had people from far caring for me and then coming to rescue me. It was both a difficult day and a day of sweet blessings. 

I'm absolutely committed to the idea that all is grace. 

Everything is a grace, everything is the direct effect of our father's love - difficulties, contradictions, humiliations, all the soul's miseries, her burdens, her needs - everything, because through them, she learns humility, realizes her weakness. Everything is a grace because everything is God's gift. Whatever be the character of life or its unexpected events - to the heart that loves, all is well. ~St Therese

February 3

Sarah turned 18(!!!!) this day and we went out to celebrate! What a gift she is to the world and has been to our family. Also, how fun is her birth date...02/03/04 ??

February 4

My car radio hasn't worked in two years. It hasn't bothered me, I almost always prefer silence. But my teenager, who is buying my car, thinks the radio working is a top priority, so we went to the repair place first thing in the morning. It worked out well because the kids ended up having a snow day anyway.

Amanda so sweetly thought to detail the car for her sister as well. She spent well over an hour getting it just so. 

All church evening activities were cancelled because of icy conditions so we watched our first Olympics of the season, lots of pairs figure skating.

February 5

Other adults filled in so I wouldn't have to make the trek to NH with the Bible Quiz group. It made me sad to miss out, but they did great! So proud of them and all their hard work!

Straight from TBQ, they dove into a two-day Winter Camp...dreamed up, funded and organized by the older kids and whole-heartedly embraced by the enthusiasm of the younger ones.  Day 1 was at the Werhle's house, Day 2 was at our house. These kids kick around church together multiple times a week and they are forming such a sweet group. I'm SO grateful for this solid group of friends.

February 6

Shaun and Aiden spent a ridiculous amount of time on ice removal from our various properties. I picked at it some and marveled as I watched Aiden turn it into a javelin-throwing event. I heart 12-year old boys.

Of course there were multiple offers to host in other locations, but very few things give me more joy than to have my house full of people. Amy came over to help man the kitchen and we made some progress on a puzzle. It was good for my soul to have happy, enthusiastic kids getting along together. Life is hard and they are doing the work to build a meaningful community with each other.

 

Doing Battle, Week 71

As I'm posting this, I wish I was in a better place, physically, mentally. Its just been a difficult many days. In the last week the pain has increased exponentially and it just starts to wear. I don't like to talk about it because it hurts those I love to know about it, but I don't want to sugar-coat things and or be disingenuous either. Sometimes I strike the balance, sometimes I miss. I will get to a better place, this I know. I am well taken care of and am reminded often that I am thought of, prayed for and loved, and that means the world.

On Tuesday Amanda and I headed down to the city. I chose to bring her, thinking it'd be fun to make a girls trip out of it. She doesn't have a job and is the one who can most easily miss school. And mostly, we wanted to stop off at Broadway while we were there to see Wicked, which she has been SO anxious to see. She knows the entire soundtrack, word for word!

First we stopped off at a Sloan Kettering facility right over the CT/NY border so they could do an MRI of my spine. It lasted 45 minutes and it was easy enough. The socks I wore have gotten me through more than one marathon and I reminded myself that I am not defined only as the sick lady.

 

Driving through NYC is an experience all its own. Amanda did not understand all the beeping, all the time.

We got settled into our hotel and then walked to her choice for dinner.

Around midnight I woke up in such pain. I can deal with pain, but the added fact that my entire right leg was numb and tingled gave me pause. I paced the room in an attempt to "walk it off", debated and then finally called my doctor. The on-call staff encouraged me to get to Urgent Care. 

So I dressed and walked the six blocks to the hospital at 1:30 AM. Annoyingly, the very first thing they did was draw a ton of blood and eventually gave me pain meds through the IV, which didn't do a thing. They added steroids and heavier pain killers, which kind of, sort of took the edge off. It was explained to me that the tumor was pressing on the nerve in my spine. 

At 5:30 AM I assured them I wasn't loopy and would able to walk back on my own to the hotel.

I slept an hour and by 8:00 AM we were up and dressed and headed back to the hospital. I waited an hour while the nurse worked on getting me special clearance for the procedures to be done because one of the meds they'd given to me at UC was a blood thinner. Argh! 

But the man at the coffee place had been extra polite and they got my order right and my lacking sleep self just really appreciated the decent cup of coffee.

Finally, I got cleared for all the things. Praise Jesus! 

Another day, another hospital gown. This time for a myelogram, a first for me. It involved them taking fluid from my spine and then inserting a hollow needle and dye into my spinal canal, then tipping me this way and that to spread the contrast and taking x-rays. 

From there, I was wheeled to a CT Scan and finally to the radiation simulation where they made me a plastic mold to lay in and meticulously lined me up on the table to get the laser beams adjusted just right. When they were satisfied, I was given three tattoos, to add to the three I have from last time. Maybe when this is all over I'll get all the dots connected. :)

Amanda patiently waited for the almost five hours it took. She zoomed in on school, read, played games. She was quite content chilling.

We grabbed lunch around the corner from the hospital and then headed back to the hotel where I was desperate to get a little sleep. 

And finally, we made it to Broadway!! 

Next up, radiation is scheduled to begin this coming week. Thank you for praying, thank you for thinking of us, thank you for your messages. We will be on the other side in no time!

So maybe the answer surrounds us

But we don't have eyes to see

That You're always good, always good

This heartache is moving me closer than joy ever could

And You're always good

My God, my God, be near me

There's nowhere else to go

And Lord, if You can hear me

Please help Your child to know

That You're always good, always good

As we try to believe what is not meant to be understood

Will You help us to trust Your intentions for us are still good

'Cause You laid down Your life

And You suffered like I never could

You're always good, always good

You're always good, always good

~Andrew Peterson