Numbering Days, Week 8

September 19, 2014 is when we got the "you have cancer" call and with that, our world would change for forever. To think that was eight years ago this week. It is God's sweet kindness and mercy to not show us the future...that information would simply be more than any of us are capable of dealing with.

Fast forward eight years to this week...we were across the border in New York by 7:15AM, home before noon. I went straight to bed and just tried to endure the next hours. On treatment weeks I'm desperate for the first three days, the worst of it, to speed by, for time to magically evaporate. The irony is that I'm doing these treatments to get time. Shaun reminds me that we're trading five bad days for nine good days. I know this and live this and I'm grateful, so grateful, and also its so stinking hard. This week was hard.

I met with my doctor in my house, in my bathrobe. In the world of oncology she is such a rockstar. She noted that the blood work came back with the tumor markers lower, which is encouraging. Maybe for that reason she added a sixth treatment. I was not happy to hear that, since I had only geared myself up for five. But I can, I will and also ugghhhh!

Always Good

Do You remember how Mary was grieving?

How You wept and she fell at Your feet?

If it's true that You know what I'm feeling

Could it be that You're weeping with me?

Arise, O Lord, and save me

There's nowhere else to go

You're always good, always good

Somehow this sorrow is shaping my heart like it should

And You're always good, always good

Well it's so hard to know what You're doing

Why won't You tell it all plain?

But You said You'd come back on the third day

And Peter missed it again and again

So maybe the answer surrounds us

But we don't have eyes to see

That You're always good, always good

This heartache is moving me closer than joy ever could

And You're always good

My God, my God, be near me

There's nowhere else to go

And Lord, if You can hear me

Please help Your child to know

That You're always good, always good

As we try to believe what is not meant to be understood

Will You help us to trust Your intentions for us are still good

'Cause You laid down Your life

And You suffered like I never could

You're always good, always good

You're always good, always good

~Andrew Peterson

I wish cancer was not part of my story. I wish God had divinely healed me eight years ago. But even in the sickness and pain I can see so clearly....more than making sure I'm comfortable and scar-less, God wants a relationship with me. In His great love, He wants to draw me closer to Him. There is so much I'm learning about the heart of God, how He sees me...its so precious and intimate that I can't wrap words around it. This week I realized anew...He is the prize. Jesus is the prize. 

I've lived many varieties of pain and suffering and what I know is that if you are not in a difficult time right now, you will be soon enough. Relationships, addictions, sickness, fear...Life is just hard. 

But I challenge you to turn off the noise in your life, get quiet with yourself and ask what its all about. Could it be that in your suffering your Creator wants to shape your heart? In this thing that you're walking through that feels all wrong, maybe in His great love and deep desire for relationship He wants to draw you closer to Him? Understanding our circumstances is not required for it to be a good plan...we can still choose to surrender our hearts to the One responsible for that last breath we just took. 

I pray that in your searching for answers and reprieve you would discover that there is nowhere else to go. HE is the prize.

This is one day's mail, piled high with health insurance statements, yes, but also intermingled with cards and packages from people all over, thinking of us, praying for us, loving us. SO many are, and truly I feel the burden being shared such that its not so heavy for us. Thank you.