Numbering Days, Week 100-103

Three weeks ago, I did my 40th treatment. Forty. Its a number I can't wrap my head around. I think of that girl all those years ago, staring down eight and wondering how I would get through them. One at a time is how I did those initial eight and one at a time is how I did all the other rounds. Most of them were bad and ugly, one was life-threatening, a few were not awful.

My next step is to do an MRI/scans to check where we're at. They were scheduled to happen a week ago but I postponed them and instead spent that time reading stories to a little girl who needed some love and care.

Truth be told, I had already determined I was taking the rest of the summer off of treatments, regardless of what the scans show. My oncologist off-handedly mentioned it when we started this latest batch and I clung to that. My body is desperate for a rest from an ever-growing pile of toxins that get dumped into my body every two weeks. And my "nagging issues" list is extensive.

My friend saw me at church taking pictures for Vacation Bible School. She hugged me and said, Lisa, you're always in the mix! Sometimes it feels like I am so not "in the mix", and quite honestly, being in the mix can be effortful and costly. I realize though that's not unique to being sick. When we're in a hard season, it takes courage and grit to show up and be in the mix of our lives....to have the conversation, to choose love again, to get out of bed, to punch fear in the face, to be the first to forgive, to admit we need to seek help. 

Being "in the mix" made me think of some billboards I saw last year while we were in Ohio for Fine Arts. 

Yes! I would like to keep making plans. Living with cancer gives me a distinct advantage in that, I have clarity on what matters and what plans are most meaningful. Without a terminal illness, its more challenging to live with the end in mind. The reality, of course is that we're all terminal, but in the absence of a doctor declaring the end is near,  we think we'll have time for "that" later. "That" being the exploration of questions such as what matters, why am I here, how do I live well, who/what am I worshipping with my life, what happens after.

For a few more weeks I am going to enjoy being "unplugged" from the cancer center and all the horrors and wonderful care that comes with it. Instead, you can find me just being in the mix with my life.

I hope you will join me in choosing to show up to your life and be "in the mix", making plans for what truly matters. Today is a miracle. 

I was lost in sin and You found me

Hallelujah, You saved my soul

I was dead and gone and You raised me

What a miracle, what a miracle

In the morning, I will sing of how You love me

In the evening, I will bless Your name

It’s amazing when I think of the way You saved me

Every breath I breathe is for Your praise