Three Years of Fostering

Today marks three years of being licensed foster parents. We could not have known on February 27, 2012 where this road would take us. Its been filled with challenges and blessings, tears and smiles, sins and forgiveness, selfishness and selflessness, questions and answers, compassion and judgments. We've made plenty of mistakes along the way, most of them of the "rookie" variety, but God has always been faithful.

In honor of this day, I'm reposting a piece I wrote on the one-year anniversary of bringing our first foster child, "Z" to live with us. We've had two long-term placements and 11 respite kids, staying for various lengths of time.

April 10th.  I wonder if this day will always be meaningful, or if the significance of it will fade over time.

It marks the day Z, our very first foster child, moved into our house.  It was a day that caught us by surprise in some regards, which we would later learn is par for the course in these dealings.

We officially were licensed on February 27.  On February 28 we got a call that there was a 9-year old boy in need of a place.  Oh, and he also had 1 and 4-year old siblings who would be coming once Z got settled and adjusted.

I sat down and took some deep breaths of prayer, then called Shaun at work.  Shaun didn't really hesitate...there was a need, we were able to fill it, what's the discussion?  One of the million reasons I love him.  We did, of course, discuss it, as it was bound to have a major impact on our family and was certainly more than we'd signed up for, but his heart has always been "to whom much is given much is required" and "freely you have received, freely give".

We first went to the safe home on March 20 where Z'd been staying since January.  We met him, talked with the various professionals involved in his case and made the decision that he would be a good fit for us.

The agency we are with is very big on making a placement stick, so there is a due process involved before a child comes to live in the home.  First is the initial meeting, then several "out in the community" outings, then a visit to our home, then an overnight, then a weekend, then the transition happens.

All this happened in the middle of tax season AND the safe home was a 45-minute drive from our home.  It was also around Easter, so we were neck deep in Passion rehearsals and performances.  It was, um....intense.

We'd been pressing the powers that be to move along this transition process, get him out of the safe home and into ours.  We really didn't want him to be there longer than he already had been.  It looked like they would be stretching it out longer, but out of nowhere, on the morning of the 10th, we got the email that it was ok to bring him home.  I remember that (crazy!!) day well, mostly because it happened to be a 10 on 10 day and I have it all recorded.

Remarkably, a year has passed!  It was busier and more full than I had ever previously thought life could be.

We went through (are going through) a learning curve with all things Department of Children & Families and our agency.  Unexpectedly, the administration part of having Z is a part-time job...meetings, emails, phone calls, paperwork, meetings, transportation, supervised visits.

Its been a year of learning and growing for all of us.  Some days are really hard, especially the ones when I turn the focus on ME and my selfishness.  Dozens, maybe hundreds of times, I've had to remind myself, this is NOT about me.  Nearly all of my hurt, frustration and anger can be snuffed out with that fresh knowledge.

It is a painful process to die to yourself.  Painful, and seemingly continual (at least for me), but it is what  Jesus has asked of us and I'm convinced its the only way to truly be happy and fulfilled.

Then Jesus said to all of them, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me."  Luke 9:23

The kids accepted their brother and this unorthodox lifestyle almost immediately and after some innocent, legitimate and awkward questions (Z, why are you wearing those clothes again?) they settled into their new life.

A roller coaster is the best way to describe the journey.  There are some high times, some low times and many jerks around a corner we didn't see (I speak as if I ride real life roller coasters...I don't...just metaphorical ones :).

So much, we've discovered is completely out of our control, which is challenging when you fight it, not so much when you recognize the bureaucracy that is the state and that its not going away anytime soon and you just make up your mind to go with it.

The deal with his siblings is so sad...there are so many things we shake our heads at and wonder why, the fact that they are not all together is among the top.  We've relied on the knowledge that God is ALWAYS good, ALWAYS faithful and we can trust Him.

When I'm crying out to God and asking for forgiveness for the sins in my heart I also sometimes say I told you so.  I told you I'm not a kid person.  I told you I'm selfish and judgmental.  I told you I would get too frustrated with the system.  I told you I'm not an overly loving or compassionate person.  I gave you the list of reasons why I should be disqualified for the the job of foster mom and you ignored it.

But then He gently reminds me that He didn't choose me because I came with a glowing resume or because of my credentials.  He simply chose me because I dared to trust Him.  In that way, He gets the glory, and I love that.

We call Abraham “father” not because he got God’s attention by living like a saint, but because God made something out of Abraham when he was a nobody. Isn’t that what we’ve always read in Scripture, God saying to Abraham, “I set you up as father of many peoples”? Abraham was first named “father” and then became a father because he dared to trust God to do what only God could do: raise the dead to life, with a word make something out of nothing. When everything was hopeless, Abraham believed anyway, deciding to live not on the basis of what he saw hecouldn’t do but on what God said he would do. And so he was made father of a multitude of peoples. God himself said to him, “You’re going to have a big family, Abraham!”  Romans 4:17-18

And so, today is certainly with mixed emotions as our family recognizes this mark in time.  But for sure, my overriding feeling is one of thankfulness.  Thankful to have followed that initial tug God placed in our hearts, thankful for the work He continues to do in our hearts and especially for the undeserved love and grace He pours out to us daily, even sometimes moment by moment.

All The Time, God is Good

From the calls and messages of concern I've received, I realize I may have over-emphasized the "hard" of the last week.  While it has been, we really are okay.  Better than okay.  I have a joy deep in my heart and a divine love. 

Sometimes people will say what a good thing we are doing or how great it is that we help foster kids. This is such a laughable thing to me because there is no good in me, just a good God working through me.

Shaun and I were married 11 years before we had any kids simply because I was quite happy with our dual-income, no kids, self-focused lifestyle and kids, apart from my nieces and nephews who I loved to pieces, really didn't do much for me.  As in, I spent 10 married years thinking I didn't want any and wondering why in the world other people did.

Now...I love that our house is filled with children and that laughter and screaming (and fighting) can usually be heard coming from our yard.  It is only God who could do a work like that in my heart.  Truly.  And I'm so, so, so, so grateful for the story He is writing.

God's sustaining power, coupled with the fact that I'm right in the throes of marathon training means (in the words of the Lego Movie song) everything is awesome!  :)

Here are some pictures from last week that I didn't yet get a chance to share.  You'll see that its not all pain and heartache here, on the contrary.  :)

God is good, all the time.

"Don’t hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust or—worse!—stolen by burglars. Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it’s safe from moth and rust and burglars. It’s obvious, isn’t it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being."    Matt 6:19-21 

Love in the Trenches

When God laid it on our hearts to become foster parents, I just assumed we'd do young children and, if we were lucky, maybe even get some babies.  But as we went through the process, it slowly became clear to both Shaun and I that God wanted us to foster teens.

I cannot overstate the inadequacy I felt at the thought of parenting troubled teens.  And, if I'm honest, I feared the tough stuff.

As it turns out, there is a LOT of tough stuff and I am completely inadequate.  But I've also learned the best place to be is at the END of myself and in a desperate place of need for God's grace and strength.  As I've leaned into Him, I've discovered what I already knew but now I KNOW...He is more than enough.

It certainly has been a journey!  Being a foster parent comes with a unique set of emotions and challenges that few understand.  

Although we give rides and do laundry and have late night talks and initiate hugs and advocate and schedule and sacrifice and love, still sometimes its not enough.

Although our kids may want to tell us we've been kinder to them than anyone ever has, or they've never felt so safe and secure, or they are starting to feel like the can trust again, they cannot.  Because then they will feel like a traitor to their first parents.

So we continue with our day-to-day, pouring love and time into them, expecting nothing in return, but oh so grateful for the scraps of love and appreciation that sometimes get snuck in.

This Mother's Day, I got a card that spoke words I would have never expected to hear in a lifetime of fostering:

Thank you for all you have done.  I don't know where I would be if I didn't come here.  The kids are great and I love the house but what is most important is you [are] my mom!  Love, R

I'll never know what it cost my son to pen those words, but I will always treasure them in my heart. 

Additionally, the fact that Z thought to text me to wish me a Happy Mother's Day meant the world.  Love earned in the trenches, in the very messiest parts of life, despite me, is profound and sweet.

Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow. Isaiah 1:17

Foster Care Progress

So.  Interesting times around here!  Let's see if I can do a brief re-cap to bring you up to speed.

The last week in February we got "the" call that we'd been approved to be a foster family.  The very next day, we got a phone call that they had a case they wanted us to consider.  As I was relaying the information to Shaun we got to joking around.

No, no, no.  We didn't actually want to do this, we just wanted the foster care certificate to proudly present at the pearly gates....to be able to say, see...we got licensed!  :)

The little picture in our head had us with a girl, but in fact we'd been matched with a nine year-old boy!

A couple weeks passed before we heard too much more...apparently the DCF social worker changed several times before getting the one he has now, due to job changes, etc and that was enough to bring things to a standstill.

Finally on Monday evening of last week we got a call, can you meet Z in the morning?  Yes.

Walking up to the facility where he's been since mid-January was very strange.  One of those how-did-we-get-here moments.  We were ushered into a conference room with his DCF social worker and a person shadowing her for the day, his social worker from our agency, his worker from the safe home and at one point his nurse....all sitting around a large table talking about his case.   Then someone went to get him and bring him into that scene.  Talk about intimidating!

We were impressed with him immediately.  He made eye contact and asked thoughtfully prepared questions.  He's a cut-to-the-chase communicator (much like Shaun and I), in a respectful way.  He just needs a straight story and then he processes it and moves on.  Very mature for his age in many ways.

We walked out of that brief meeting with a very good feeling about him.  I also had a can-we-really-do-this fear growing inside me.  We talked about it on the 45 minute ride home.  Our lives right now are simple, easy, stress-free and now, on purpose, we are going to disrupt that.  Things may never be the same.

What if.

What if God does not want things to be the same?

Shaun also reminds me...if not us, who?

Why has Z been waiting since January to be placed in a home?  Why is he considered "therapeutic"when he's not on any meds and hasn't been bounced around in foster care all his life?  We like to think that maybe its so he can be in our home and so we can foster him...for such a time as this.

 When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required.
Luke 12:48

Our Foster Care Journey, Part V

Thank you for reading along this week!  As I said, its been a very personal process and your support and encouragement mean so much.  You are also the group I will be coming back to saying this is SO hard...please pray!  :)  Really...it means so much!

So onto the Q & A and the last post in this series.  :)


What age range are you licensed for?

Growing up, both my family and Shaun's family took in foster children.  Shaun's family did 0-8ish months and my family did 0-4 years.  I wanted the same thing...a fresh newborn to snuggle with, a baby to do all the firsts with, a two or three year-old to have little chats with....all the ages I've loved so far as a mom.  But...God's ways are not our ways and He actually placed a burden on both our hearts for older children, perhaps even teenagers.

The agency we are using provides theraputic foster homes for children ages 8-18.  Normally these kids have had severe abuse or neglect and they maybe have been tossed around from home to home.

What an incredible thought that we could be the last stop for a child before they enter the world on their own.  What a responsibilty to become someone's forever family even without adoption.

Are you open to adoption?

We have made it clear with the agency that we are not going into this looking to adopt.  However, we will not close that door in case God has different ideas.

Don't you already have enough going on?

Yes, we do!  We certainly weren't bored or looking for something else to add to our lives.  That is why every morning during my staff meeting with God I will be reminding Him that this was His idea while asking for an extra portion of love, grace, patience, etc.

I can sit here and tell you right now I...we...cannot do this in our own strength.  On paper, our shortcomings and weaknesses would seem enough to disqualify us...but God.  I'm just as curious as you to see what He intends with this.  :)

Where will the child sleep?

We are required to provide the children with their own bedroom.  This will be a little tricky because, although our house is large, we only have three bedrooms set up...one for us, one that the girls share and one for Aiden/guests.

Most likely we will move the TV room downstairs into the pool room

and convert the TV room into a bedroom.  I lobbied to get the TV permanently removed from our house but it was a no-go.

Obviously we'll have some work to do when we get our first call....and some bedroom furniture to find!  We probably should be more practically prepared, but honestly its been so long it still feels like its never going to happen.

How will the child refer to us?

That is for us to decide.  Depending on the age, I think we'll offer a few suggestions and let them choose.  Probably Auntie Lisa and Uncle Shaun.  Momma Lisa?  Papa Shaun?  I don't know...I think its really going to depend on the child.  I'm open to suggestions!

What happens next?

Well, we have everything in....no small feat!  We are awaiting the fingerprint results, which we did back in November.  And then...we wait for our perfect match!

Well, this is the final post in this series, but most likely not the last you will hear about foster care here.

Happy Friday!!

Our Foster Care Journey, Part IV

So, why are we doing this?

I could spend an entire week of posts talking about our reasons why we've decided to get into foster care.  (Incidentally, I could also spend that same week listing out all the reasons why we could not, should not, would not....yes, I have at least a week's worth of "buts")  However, the very simple answer is that God gave us this burden and spoke to our hearts.

We have enough history with Him to know it goes better for us when we do the things He's called us to do...we also know, from experience and based on His promises, that He only has the very best intended for us.

Five minutes on Yahoo News will leave you shaking your head, wondering what this world has come to. Reading statistics like 15 million children will die of hunger every year,  or in the U.S. in 2009 there were 3.3 million child abuse reports and allegations, involving about 6 million children....more than 5 of those children die every day as a result of child abuse.

Depressing, isn't it?  Overwhelming, right?

The truth is, there is simply no way we can help 6 million children.  But maybe, just maybe, one child at a time, we can make a difference.  We are ready to get our hands dirty in the process of loving the lost.

But when he heard it, he said, 'Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick.'  Matthew 9:12

I love my family, our life.  Its neat and simple and pretty.  I am comfortable with and happy about the tidiness of it.  Its manageable, fairly predictable.  I like things just the way they are.

Yet...I want what God wants.  I want to lay down my life to do the work He has for me.  Will this bring pain into my life?  To be sure.  Will I miss life as we now know it?  Probably.  Our life may get messy and lose some of its prettiness but my prayer is that it is beautiful to the One who matters most.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”  CS Lewis


I've talked extensively with another foster mom in our church.  She has told me to be prepared for people's reaction...She said, they'll either say you are a saint or crazy.  :)  We are neither...just trying to be obedient, doing what we feel compelled to do.


Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God. Hebrews 13:16


The measure of a life, after all, is not its duration, but its donation. ~ Corrie Ten Boom


Tomorrow is Q & A...if you have any questions let me know and I'll do my best to answer them for you.  :)

Our Foster Care Journey, Part III

Once training was over, it was time to begin the home study piece.  We gave the agency about a two- week window...after Christmas (please!!) but before tax season...and they were most accommodating.

The home-study is comprised of several parts that need to be spread out over three different days: an interview with me, an interview with Shaun and a walk through/inspection of our home.

The interviews lasted a couple hours each.  We talked, in depth, about our childhoods, our families, how we met, other relationships we've had, our marriage, how we parent, what our children are like, what our day to day lives are like.  It was very...comprehensive.  :)

All this was in addition to the essays we each had to write on the same topics.  I've got to say, its a little strange to put your entire life on paper like that, all contained within 8-10 pages.

The actual home inspection part was what we were most concerned with, since that is the part that's been giving us trouble all along.  I thought it was going to be more like a tour of our house, while checking for flaking paint and working smoke detectors.

In reality, it was much more exhaustive than that.  Our worker checked every single part of our house, including the basement (yuck!) and the third floor.  I had no idea she'd be going to the far reaches....had I known, I would have cleared a walking path on the third floor!

I think she sensed my surprise because she said, we need to check every part of the house to make sure no one else is living here.  We've discovered basement dwellers before.  Oh....creepy!!

You better believe that day has motivated me to do something (finally, and again!) about our third floor/laundry room/everything storage.  I'm pretty much the only one who goes up there (re: laundry) and its just a dumping ground.  But now...I'm resolved to pick at it every week, while dreaming about the day its transformed into our master bedroom suite.  :)

I debated posting pictures here for accountability, but I think I won't.  If I find I'm having trouble staying motivated, then I'll consider it.  :)

Because of the few changes we'd made and the little bit of work we did AND God's favor, our home passed the inspection without any trouble.  Big sigh of relief!

Our Foster Care Journey, Part I

Phew...deep breath.  I have stalled on doing this post long enough.  Why have I stalled?  I don't know.  Partly because this journey has been deeply personal, partly because I don't want to run the risk of offending or being judged.  And, very practically, I knew it would take me a while to put it all on paper.

Lastly, we wanted to wait until we'd completed the last hurdle, which happened this past Thursday.  Though we are not officially licensed, its looking pretty good.  :)

Are you ready for lengthy story?  I'm going to take some or all of this week to write about our road (thus far) to foster care.  (I was going to use flower photos, but for fun I think I'll use newborn photos, because really...can you ever get enough of that?)

After what has felt like a long journey to foster care, I think we are finally almost there.  And I'm excited, albeit hesitant, to share our story here.  We've gotten quite a few questions in talking with the few people we've shared with.  If you have any questions shoot me an email or leave a comment and I'll do my best to answer those in a Q & A on Friday.

So...how did all this come about?

Honestly, I don't even remember our first conversations about doing foster care.  It was shortly before or after Amanda was born and I don't even think it was much of a discussion....more like one of those times when we did little more than look at each other and we both knew.  God had already spoken to both of us individually.

When Amanda was about one, so four years ago, we went to a Department of Children & Families (DCF) open house to begin the licensing process.  That meeting went well so we took the next step and had a social worker come out to our house to begin the home study piece.

We talked for 15 minutes and then she took a quick walk around the house.  Her message: when you have removed every speck of lead paint from your (1895) home then you can give us a call.  We'd been so ready to dive in and felt like we'd gotten the wind knocked out of our sails.

Remove ALL traces of lead paint in a house this old?  Impossible!

So...we did a quick eyebrow raise to God as if to say, What's up with that?  We thought we'd heard from you!  and then moved on.

Once Aiden was here and more than a year old, we decided to step our toe in the foster care water again.  This time I made contact with what I thought was a private agency (turns out they are separate but still a state agency), thinking the rules & regs on lead paint would be different.

Afterall, we are raising three small children in this house who get tested regularly for lead and they are fine.  Plus, nearly all of our community is comprised of pre-1970s homes.

The worker, Cindy came out to our house for an initial meeting in February 2011.  She met me and the kids, talked about their program and then did a walk-through of the house.  The outcome was somewhat expected though still disappointing: all flaking lead paint would need to be removed inside and out.  That meant the wrap-around porch would need to be taken down and rebuilt.  Something that clearly needed to be done...oh, about 10 years ago.

Its been on the to-do list for years, but time, money and circumstances have prevented it from happening.  Just when Shaun was getting ready to finally do it, an apartment would become vacant and be in desperate need of a major remodel, for example.

Again, we had to wonder why we felt so called to this, but seemed to be so far away from ever making it a reality.

I'll share some snippets from my prayer journal on July 31:

Last night at church Eliezer (our amazing youth pastor) talked about living the "i" Life, as in lowercase "i", not capital...that your life does not have meaning until you're living it for others.  I thought, yes, I desperately do not want to live the "I" Life.


As he was giving the alter call, one of the scenarios he gave was that maybe there were circumstances at this point in life that are beyond your control prohibiting you from helping others....the porch, the apartments, all seem like big circumstances right now...


....I know you've spoken to us about it and I'm frustrated we are not "being about Your business" right now....