Signs of Life

Instead of seeing imperfections as thorns in my decorating flesh, I want to open my eyes and see them as signs of life.  These messes all stem from gifts in my life.  I still clean the mud off shoes (or make my boys do it), but I also know that if a neighbor walked in and saw a trail of mud, I wouldn't need to be embarrassed.  Its just proof of lives being lived, and houses are for living.  My home is a reflection of our life, and life's messes can be gloriously beautiful. ~The Nesting Place

Doing Battle, Week 25

True confessions...I struggled this week. 

I'm a terrible swimmer, but I can tread water like a champ (oops...I wrote "tramp" there at first, which got me giggling thinking about how my aunt and cousin always get sayings wrong. "There's two ways to skin a horse", for example :). This week I felt like I've been out in the deep end an awfully long time and my arms and legs are desperate for a rest, but its too deep to touch down even for a minute, so my head dips further and further in.

I miss who I used to be. I realized this very starkly when I went to visit my brother this week. The first guy I met came up to Tim and asked him if they were going for their regular run later that afternoon. After Tim exchanged introductions the guy said Are you the sister who runs half and full marathons? I vacillated between crying and kissing him, in the end I opted for smiling and nodding. 

Oh, how I miss being strong and healthy, a woman with a clear mind who is not in a constant state of fog, someone with hobbies and passions. It feels like so long since I was something other than the cancer patient.

Shaun comes home from work and tells me about his day. I love to soak up his stories, thoughts and feelings. I love hearing about his hard work paying off, about dreams being realized, about...life. Just normal (albeit extraordinary) person life.

The other night I was tired and grouchy and just so over cancer. Very gently Shaun said, Settle in, Girlfriend. You've got to change your face about this.

Aiden doesn't love to do school. We've been doing it most days since August, and its something he knows he has to do, yet nearly everyday he protests. And whines and complains. So I send him up to his room to sit on his bed until he changes his face. The face he knows I'm looking for is one with a smile that says I'm not thrilled about doing this but I know we need to, so lets get to work and get it done.

This week I had poorly timed appointments (in this world, for the most part, you are assigned appointments, not asked what's convenient), so instead of doing an extra hour of driving, Aiden and I went grocery shopping and then did school. There is a little enclosed garden area in the atrium of the cancer center with living plants and soft bird noises and the morning sun streams right through. We studied sight words right there in our little oasis.

Aiden has grown quite fond of going to radiation with me. There are two waiting rooms, the main one to radiology and then a different one, what I call the VIP room that you get to use when treatments begin. There is a nurses station right there so its a safe place for Aiden to stay while I am in the room for 10 minutes. I had been letting him bring in the iPad, but last week we decided together that his time would be better spent talking with and blessing people while he waits and then doing the iPad in the car.

So he's done just that. There aren't too many vibrant, healthy people around there, much less cute, charming five year-olds, so he is a big hit. I went one day without him because he was still sleeping and Shaun was going in late to work. The nurses asked, Where's the little guy? and when I got back Aiden asked, Mooomm, why did you go to radiation without me??

 Upstairs, Aiden opted to stay in the waiting area while I got my blood drawn. Thankfully, my counts were all good!  Amy and Rocco joined me for the oncologist appointment, I wish I had a picture. I was on the exam table and Amy was sitting in a chair, a boy on each knee, both staring up and me and the doctor, watching everything closely. I think maybe they were watching to make sure there would be no shots for them. :)

 I finally went to the gym to close out my membership that I haven't used since October. Its only $10 a month, but since we have the space in the basement, I think I'm just going to set up shop there. I am walking most mornings but I desperately miss running.

Yesterday was the Dream Center marathon in L.A., the one I'd been planning on spending all winter training for, and I spent some time thinking coulda, woulda's. Not at all helpful, come to find out.

Looking back on the week I wondered why I struggled, especially since there wasn't anything major going on. I realized I missed one morning with God, which slipped into a couple days. Under normal circumstances I'm not strong enough to do life on my own, but while I'm in the deep end treading water?  I have to have that time.

This morning His mercies are new. My eyes are fixed on Jesus and I am going to spend the week filling the empty spaces with His TRUTH, leaving little room for anything else.

Thank you for your continued prayers and love. I was watching Aiden in swim class on saturday, trying to swim from one side of the pool to the other. Even though he had a floaty on, he kept bobbing up and down and wasn't making much forward progress. So every once in a while his instructor would come up behind him, placing a supportive hand under him, getting his head above water, gently pushing him forward and steering him straight. You who are standing with us are like that to me. Thank you. For supporting me, pushing me and steering me straight. My heart is full.


"She that dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty."

Project 365, Week 11

March 8

I find lots of Avery-selfies on my phone. She has pretty curls from her sleepover at cousins. I'm so thankful for cousin Maddy, who can fill in the hair and makeup gap I have.

March 9
Pop almost skipped tapping maple trees this year, but the kids wouldn't hear of it. All the local cousins gathered and had so much fun being together on a warmish day.

 After only a couple trees, the snowball fight temptation proved to be too great.

March 10
So many words to share right after school. This girl...

March 11
Aiden and I took R back to the tech college for admissions/placement testing. Proud Mama moment: he passed and submitted everything he needed to, and has officially been offered a spot in the college for Fall 2015! Only Shaun and I will ever know the blood, sweat and tears that's been required to get him to this point....all worth it to see him begin to connect the dots in life and see him start on a new journey.

While he was in testing, Aiden and I drove 10 minutes to my brother's office, where he is a Chaplain. I drove to the security gate and a man came out, asking me to state my business. I said, I'm here to see my brother, Tim B--. Immediately, his whole face lit up. Major B-- is your brother? He is quite the man! He is, and I was so proud to be associated with him as he introduced me to different friends and co-workers in his building.

My little brother... :)

March 12
Where there is snow and water, there is work to be done.

 Or not...

 The "long"-awaited Lego set arrived. Even though Aiden wanted it to be a man-thing, he settled for Avery, who was able and willing to help him get it set up.

March 13

 Amanda and a classmate made plans to meet up at DQ, which just opened up for the season....its a good sign of things to come!

Also, we got our tire swing back. Its a little muddy there, but that never stopped anyone, least of all Amanda.

Avery's been into watching Fixer Upper on HGTV.  Its my go-to show for the treadmill, too. So good!

 R and his girlfriend attended a "spring" dance at her school. Aren't they sweet?

March 14
Amanda and I spent some one-on-one time together, getting distracted while cleaning her room. She thrives on quality time and I don't give her nearly enough.

Hope you have a great week! Its officially spring this week you know.

March's 10 on 10

10 pictures on the 10th day of the month (Tuesday)!

{Document a snapshot of your life & find beauty among the ordinary things in your day!}

7 AM

What I love about this picture is that Avery took it for me. I saw the sunrise and noted the magnificence of it, but was upstairs showering and getting ready, sans a camera. When I came downstairs she proudly showed me the picture. When she noticed it was a little blurry she said she was going to redo it (20 minutes later), but came back laughing that is was gone and had been replaced by full daylight. :)

7:30 AM
On the road to radiation, coffee and water in tow.

8:15AM
Avery asked me to take a video of the ceiling in my radiation room. Sadly, the stars and moons part was broken.

11 AM
School time.

12 PM
Lunch. Aiden has "chocolate" (Nutella) and butter nearly everyday. At least its on wheat bread??

1 PM
Naptime for both of us.

2:30 PM
Our first day walking to and from school after a long winter's break!

3:30 PM
Aidan's been asking and asking to go to ToysRUs to look at Lego sets, so I finally set him up on the computer to do his shopping. I showed him where the prices were listed and helped him gauge what was expensive and not.

4:30 PM
More shopping I'd been putting off...retail stores are NOT my thing. Avery had been asking for more yarn and I want to support that.

6:30 PM
Shaun was home early and got right into a game.

My One Word 2015

My 2015 one word is ABIDE.

Though I've known this is my word for two months, I have written and re-written this post over many times, finding it difficult to express whats in my heart...I think that's because I am meant to be learning more what it means throughout the year and have my understanding grow deeper. Since deciding on this in early January, I cannot tell you how many times I have heard something or read something either talking about abiding or that amazing passage in John 15.

My study bible describes it like this: Abide in me means to continue in a daily, personal relationship with Jesus, characterized by trust, prayer, obedience and joy.

Last month I studied the book of John with She Reads Truth. When we got to John 15, Jesus talked a lot about abiding.

In John 15:5 He says....

"I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; 
for without Me you can do nothing." 

God created me to need him...desperately and daily and personally. He is the vine, and I am the branch...without him I can do nothing. In His sovereign love, he calls me daily to die to me, to my own efforts and will and striving and to find my life in him. He invites me to abide.

And in that relationship He initiates, He provides grace and strength. Its grace that I don't deserve and strength that I don't need to stir up on my own....I just answer the invitation to "abide in me".

Abide in him, and he will abide in you. He who began a good work in you will complete it (Philippians 1:6). He who called you is faithful; he will surely do it (1 Thessalonians 5:24)

Doing Battle, Week 24

Tuesday kicked off the beginning of radiation. Shaun took the afternoon off so he and Aiden were able to join me. I put on my best brave face to walk into this new challenge. I haven't decided if its scarier to face something new and unknown or well-known and hard....probably the latter.

We met with the radiologist, who is kind and thorough. He was very happy with how my surgery went and answered the few questions I had. Generally, I don't ask too many because the basics are really enough information for me to deal with....Shaun is the one who researches and studies and knows.

I did four days of radiation last week. Treatment lasts about 15 minutes total, from when I walk into the room to when I walk out. I have the same room, with the same team of two to three (depending on whether the intern is around) ladies each day. The process is painless and not scary (after we got the first day out of the way, anyway). 

The side effects are yet to be fully determined, though its already well established that it makes me tired. I'm trying to sleep for 30 minutes in the afternoon before I get the girls from school. That helps me last a little later into the evening to do homework and bedtime and such.

We're getting the hang of a new routine and after more than a month we are one again actively "killing cancer", as Shaun says.

A puzzle in the waiting room...genius!

People often ask me how the kids are doing in all this. From the beginning we've tried to leave it an open subject so they feel free to ask questions as they think of them. We answer them truthfully, but don't expound more than necessary. Cancer is a household word around here but at the same time we've tried to have normalcy for them, keeping them in activities, going places even if its not with both parents. I love these pictures because it shows that love and laughter still abound around here and much of life is still normal...except the parts that aren't. :)

I was getting ready to leave for church with the kids when Shaun called and said he'd finished up work early and would be able to go with us. And before I even knew that he was available for the evening my sister had asked to take our three overnight (and R had made arrangements to go to church with his girlfriend's family). So Shaun and I sat together in church AND we went out on a date after, just the two of us. Neither one of those things have happened since October and it was SO nice!

This man is such a gift! A harder job than being the patient is being the patient's spouse but this guy does it with such patience and faithfulness...and love. Though its changed some things about our relationship, cancer has only served to bring us closer together and to know a greater deepness of love.

He's got a ton of weight resting on his shoulders, yet he always finds time to text me that he loves me at some point in the day. So sweet.

As we were driving home from our date I thought, now...if I could just get up in the morning and go for a 20-mile run...then the world would be right again. :)

A dear friend suggested using podcasts as a way to pass the hour drive I'll be doing for the next five weeks. I already enjoy podcasts while ironing or doing various household chores, but I don't usually do one in the car because I like being available for conversations with Shaun or the kids....or I need to break up the arguing coming from the back. And on the off chance that I'm alone in the car? I love to turn everything off and just enjoy the quiet. Time to think, time to pray, time to just be.

However, I thought maybe Nicky was right, that podcasts would be a good way to redeem some of the time in the car. And I'm really enjoying it! There is a wealth of goodness out there to be heard. I thought I'd share some of the nuggets I caught in this short week.

Also, I'm open to suggestions if there is a must-hear podcast you know about.


Andy Stanley, Your Move The New Rules for Love, Sex and Dating (2/15/15)
(Caught my eye because my teenage son is now dating...ack! But also good stuff for me, who's been married 20 years)

  The present will be your past, which will be present in your future.

  The right person myth says this: if I marry the right person, everything will be alright.

  It is not about finding the right person, it is about becoming the right person.... Everything in our   culture says if you find the right person, everything will be alright. There is no evidence to support that. Find the happiest married person you know and ask them what they think about finding the right person myth and they will say, that ain't how it works.

  Are you who the person you are looking for is looking for?

  When you open the scripture, you find very little help when it comes to the finding the right person part. But when you open the scripture and you ask God, do you have anything to say on what I should become, the pages of scripture are just wide open to you.

Krista Tippetts On Being with Father James Martin (12/18/14)

  If we miss the joy in Christianity, we are missing the point.

  Joy is happiness in God. Joy has an object...its about relationship. Happiness can be very evanescent...here one day, left the next, but joy is a lot deeper than that.

Pastor Ed Young Happiness Is: Part I (11/17/13)

  Happiness is temporary. In fact, the word happiness comes from the Latin root hap, which means circumstance or luck. So basically, if things are going your way, you will be happy. But there's a problem with that, its called...Life.

  Happiness is the pursuit of happenings but joy is the pursuit of Jesus.

  I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. Phil 4:11