Numbering Days, Week 46-48

Sloan has asked to do genetic testing on some samples they took during my back surgery in December. There was a whole presentation to go through and then verbal and written consent. I can't imagine saying no to such a simple (on my part) way of advancing research.

On Monday my dad took me to do labs and MRI. Its hard on him to have all this happening to me, but he jumps in anyway to do what he can.

Waiting in the changing room. Sometimes when I wear no metal they don't ask me to change, sometimes they still want me to. Sometimes I question authority if I deem there to be a good reason to, but more often I just go along with it.

The lab work came back through my portal that afternoon. The marker they keep an eye on was quite elevated. I took the news hard. I was sure that it would mean going back on treatment. It was a tough couple days just working through my feelings and trying to get up the courage to do something I really didn't want to do.

On Thursday, we went to Manhattan to do in-person appointments. As we were waiting (and waiting, and waiting), I looked over at my boys with such gratitude. My dad, my husband, my son all sitting in cancer center waiting rooms with me this week. And if not them, I have a brother and brothers-in-law and an uncle who would willingly be there at a moments notice. In a world where men often leave when it gets hard, I'm thankful to be surrounded by more than a few good men.

I had x-rays and met with my oncologist and spine doctor. Three appointments, five hours. Both doctors looked at the PET, MRI and x-rays that I've had in the last month and there are no significant changes. Such great news! There is no answer to the elevated blood work and much of the pain is attributed to fallout from radiation a year ago and pinched nerves from the back surgery but there was no evidence that we need to start treatment back up.

Though we all still have many questions, for this day I was satisfied with the wait and watch answer. In truth, I was absolutely giddy about escaping without treatment! I stepped out onto the sidewalk, feeling smug about blending in with the masses of people doing regular life stuff, not sick person stuff. I walked through Central Park, happy to be alive, noticing colors and smells and beauty, music. This life...

Its been beautiful and terrible, more painful, more wonderful than I ever could have known