Numbering Days, Weeks 43-45

I went in for another PET scan, my 3rd within 17 months, the last one just 6 weeks ago. Since the marker that they're watching was slightly elevated in the last blood work, they wanted to take this extra look. Because the pain I experience often goes down my entire leg, this scan from my neck to toes.  

It was a longer process than usual and we were at Sloan for about 2.5 hours, finishing up at dinner time, which is also rush hour, which makes it futile to get on the road. So instead, Shaun and I enjoyed a meal together at a local restaurant.

A friend sent me this memory from eight years ago. It's a bit overwhelming to consider how long its been a thing in our lives and its a bit overwhelming to consider how many people we have on our team, faithfully praying and caring, even after all these years.

Last Wednesday, we had a 3:15 appointment to over the results of the scan. At 5:45 (2.5 hours late!!!) someone came on the call. She asked how I was feeling and I wanted to say "frustrated!!". But at least we were not sitting in a New York waiting room that whole time. 

The PET scan didn't show anything obvious so she wants to do an MRI to get a different look. It was hard to know how to take the news. Shaun thought it was good because they didn't implore us to start treatments back up immediately. I came away a bit more defeated. If you give me an inch of hope, I will take two miles of it. If you tell me I get a couple months off of treatments, I will round up and make it ten years in my head.

I realize as I've processed this, it actually makes no sense, but that's how I do it. So when I'm on the call, I'm annoyed that we're even still talking about cancer, that I haven't been released to just go live my life. This is my life, but in so many ways I preferred the version when I was strong and healthy and went to the doctor once a year.

Isn't it true that none of us are living the exact life we had planned?  To varying degrees, we've all been disappointed and disillusioned and we wonder when/how/why things went "wrong". I think there is a time to wrestle with those questions and then its time to move forward and show up to the life in front of us and do this day. And, as James suggests, consider our hardships and suffering pure joy. 

If "considering it pure joy" were measured like batting averages, I would be at the bottom of the order. I don't fully understand how it works and sometimes it feels impossible. I do know that its been the hardest times in my life when I've felt God the closest, when I've seen His hand most at work, when I've known Him speaking to my heart the loudest. 

And as the chasm between my reality and my original plans grows, it is a beautiful, impossible-to-ignore reminder that everything, everything in this life is temporary...except for God's love. And because He loves me and is good, I can trust Him.