Monday, December 8, 2014

Doing Battle, Week 11

I feel like I've stalled writing this post long enough.  The "on" weeks aren't so much fun to report on and honesty, this morning when I wanted to write, I was still really struggling.  I got through last week and I thought waiting on the other side would be reprieve, but instead I found myself this week dreading what I know is certain to come next week.

And that's just not me.  Worry about stuff that hasn't even happened yet?  Spend precious thought space thinking of the bad that could be?  What, are you crazy??

The thing is, we're half way through.  I know...woohoo!  But the problem is, we're half way through. So now I have a good idea of what is coming and I don't know if it should, but it doesn't make it easier.  Instead it leaves me feeling afraid and wondering if I can do it again.  

Of course I will.  I have to.  But I hate this fear creeping in.  So I spent the day meditating on a verse my cousin sent me this morning. I love this version of it (NIRV):

God didn’t give us a spirit that makes us weak and fearful. He gave us a spirit that gives us power and love. It helps us control ourselves. 2 Timothy 1:7

And now, hours later and after some wrestling, I have peace.  And that is probably the ongoing battle I will face this week as Monday gets closer.

Last week it was mostly just being sick.  Tuesday I was well enough to sit up in bed and be on screens...I even bought a few gifts online.  They added a fourth anti-nausea medicine to my regiment (me, the girl who always used to think long and hard before taking Tylenol) and I was hopeful it was working as advertised but then Wednesday I got knocked down.  I woke up Friday morning feeling like it was Monday and the week had just started but then I realized I'd actually just missed the week.

While I am making some bonds with the nursing staff at the cancer center, this week was especially sad patient-wise.  While waiting to see the doctor, we watched a woman check in for a consult, with a three-month old baby.

In the treatment room, adjacent to us on one side was a woman weighing in at 89 pounds and reporting that she'd stayed home for Thanksgiving, alone.  She was in and out of sleep, as was I, and didn't look like she had much more fight in her.

On our other side was a man who was turned away because his blood counts were not good enough to proceed with treatment.  So he waited for his American Cancer Society ride to make arrangements to pick him up ahead of schedule.  Both these people were alone, as many are every time we go.

On our drive home Shaun and I were counting our blessings, thanking God for the community He has placed us in, for the people He's put in our lives who love us big. Big.  And knowing people are praying for us everyday gives me strength....nothing on Earth is more powerful or effective than the power of prayer.

So this week I will look for God's grace.  It is always there in abundance.


The Bug said...

I'm so glad for all the support you have. It breaks my heart to think about people who are going through this alone...

And, yay, halfway! I understand about having dread - that's perfectly natural. But it sure doesn't hurt to get comfort fro the Bible!

Amy Joy said...

You are DOING it and God is with you! You are walking it out and getting closer to the end with each step. Will pray that time slows for you this week just a bit and that God's presence and comfort is extra thick heading into next week. Thanks for the reminder too, to pray for those other patients. xoxo