I guess it can be said of most traumatic experiences....when you are going through it, even when times are good and things are going well, you still feel like there's a shadow hovering right over your head. That's how this is with us.
Shaun and I have an ongoing cancer conversation. Sometimes its an extended dialogue, other times its just sprinkled into a normal day. This weekend we went away to celebrate our wedding anniversary. We talked about our past and our present but it got a little quiet when we talked about our future. Cancer has brought us to the end of ourselves and stripped us of the pride in thinking we have anything figured out. So when we're sitting at brunch and a couple in their 80's are walking down the sidewalk together, the question isn't whether we'll still be in love, the question is if we'll still be around....living, breathing.
And I think its a good thing to live with eternity in mind...to be aware everyday of the brevity of life...to cherish today because you just don't know about tomorrow. Cancer is not terminal, LIFE is, but sometimes we lose sight of that while we stay busy with our day-to-day lives. When you are actively fighting cancer, you don't forget.
Perspective is a beautiful thing and worth the effort to find. As the likelihood of surgery sinks in, I've battled to get to a place of gratitude. If I had to put a number on it, I might say this week I'm at an 80/20 split. Twenty percent of the time I'm in the "this sucks" and "I don't wanna!" camp. The other eighty percent I'm thankful. Thankful for this growing, refining process. Thankful for the story He is writing that is bigger than me. Thankful that God's grace is all-sufficient. The list of things to be thankful for is truly endless and there is heart-changing power in dwelling on the goodness and faithfulness of God....it makes my troubles feel like what they really are....light and momentary.
Every four weeks I go to get my port flushed. Its a silly thing but I dread going. Its done in the chemo treatment room where I spent many hours over the fall and winter and the sounds, sights and smells brings it back. The staff there is lovely though and many commented about how great I look. After the third person, I just laughed and said, Its amazing how good a person can feel when they are not walking into this building every day! For real.
I checked for Aiden since he wasn't with me....the flowers are blooming but still no goldfish in the little pond.
While we were away I determined I was going to run a mile, my first since October. In fact, I ran two! Half a mile in and my body said, Oh...I know this...bring it! My mind, however, thought two would be plenty for the first time back out, which was good because my knee is a little cranky now. But wow...that felt amazing. Doesn't help to dwell on it, but gosh...I miss the running part of my life.
I've done the 4 AM shift many a year for Relay for Life and now my name made it on one of the lanterns. Honestly, I have mixed feelings about that, but what I choose to focus on is that Team Lisa continues to stand with me. We have an army fighting alongside us!
Thank you ALL for your love and support and prayers!