Numbering Days, Week 58-61

There's a significant amount of blank space beyond this blinking cursor and I find it difficult to formulate thoughts around it all but at the very least its time for an update, especially for the many of you who have this blog as your only news source on our family.

My last treatment was in March when, after sixteen infusions, it was decided I could take a break. What I thought would be a respite until the end of June turned into the entirety of summer. It was full, it was wonderful, it was largely "normal". Except we have long passed normal.  I would now call our life extraordinary. 

Its extraordinary in that love is particularly sweet. Moments together are cherished. Everywhere I see things that take my breath away....late-summer flowers, autumn leaves turning, the rising and setting of the sun, a smile from my child, the love in my husband's eyes when he looks at me. The aroma of wild grapes on my walk stops me in my tracks. Life is extraordinarily beautiful through the lens I choose. My grip on temporary things continues to loosen and I desire more and more things of eternal importance.

Life is also extraordinarily hard. Inherent with cancer is just a whole slew of really difficult things, like hearing its time to go back on chemo. We knew that's where we would get to, and the stretch has been much longer than anticipated, but it was still disappointing to hear the break would be coming to an end, that I would begin again with an unspecified number of treatments.

At 8 AM we arrived at our regular location, only to be told the appointment had actually been scheduled in the city. They were too booked to be able to squeeze me in, so we got back in the car and fought our way through rush hour to get to Manhattan. We arrived at 10:30 and ended up waiting nearly four hours to get called back for treatment. We're used to waiting, but we try to be vigilant to schedule things so that we don't unnecessarily sit in traffic. This day, we did the morning rush hour and the afternoon, making for a very long, frustrating day on top of all things a chemo treatment brings.

 

This was treatment #31 for me and my 4th autumn on chemo. (Apparently I'm willing to go to extreme measures to get out of raking leaves!) I remember when we were facing the first eight, the only eight, as we thought at the time. One theme that is just as true with the 31st as with the 1st is "just do today". Jesus said it best:

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and 

don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. 

God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Matthew 6:34

It was a rougher than usual treatment with some dark, long days. The "knowing" I had, even in the middle of the sickness is that God is not withholding his goodness from me. I just kept telling myself that...this is not God withholding His goodness from me. At the very core of His character is his gracious sovereignty. It doesn't feel good because I don't know the plan.

We are loved and cared for and its so humbling to be part of a community who cares for the long haul. I'm so thankful for the many who stand by us and pray faithfully. Thank you.