Doing Battle, Week 16

This past week was SO good. Sunday was a couch day but Monday I woke up ready to conquer the world. I walked the girls to school, I cooked dinner, I did hours of basement cleanout, I worked. I felt almost normal. It was wonderful!!

My sister was talking to a lady who'd done the cancer battle and told her it was about two years after she was cured for her to really feel like it was behind her and she was over it. I'm thinking its going to take me about two days to put all this in the past. :)

Also this week Amy, with some key helpers, threw me an amazing 40th birthday party, a dinner party made up of family and friends who have already been there for us through so much. It was truly incredible and filled my love tank to overflowing.

I am ready to do this thing today (treatment #7 of 8). There are right around 20 more days of this phase (which will include several days of respite ) and I say, you can do anything for 20 days!!

But I remember how the week was after last treatment, so I am going in more prepared.

Pain, both physical and emotional, is a liar. It tries to convince you that there is no end, no relief, no possibility of getting on the other side. Its important to acknowledge this and then tell yourself the TRUTH. Write it down, memorize it and say it over and over.

When I ran my first marathon (the one that was warm enough to wear short sleeves and wasn't pouring rain) I wrote some key phrases on my arm and then said them over and over through the miles, like a mantra. At the 20-mile mark it all got shortened to "you and me, God" and then from 23-26 it was simply, "Jesus!" :)

The words I wrote were tough and didn't make me feel all warm and fuzzy but they were TRUTH. And truth will ground me and keep me moving forward when my body gets tired and my emotions get fickle.

Test me Lord and try me, examine my heart and my mind.

I'll find strength in pain.

I believe in redefining my impossible.

If I have to, I can do anything. I am STRONG.

Much of the advice I've read about dealing with cancer and what the sweet Cancer Society lady tells me when she stops by my treatment recliner to visit is "you need to let yourself feel your emotions". She is sweet as a glazed donut so I'm sure her emotions are all safe to run after and give into, but the emotions that cross my desk are often sinful and not all at wise to give into.

For instance, for about 13 of the 26 miles of a marathon, my emotions are telling me this was my dumbest idea yet and I should just quit. My emotions and body tell me I can't go another step, I'm not going to win anyway, I'm so slow that 70 year-old lady is beating me, I can't take another step.

I hate the first three miles of any run, so if I let myself feel my emotions I would give up every time before I ever finished.

The emotions I feel while running are not all that important to life, but here at home they are. I feel anger at my children and husband when they don't meet my expectations and at the people who walk their dog past our house without cleaning up and at the garbage man for making too much noise too early in the morning that wakes my kids and at the mailman for not delivering when the dog is loose.

I feel guilt for being inadequate in so many areas...surely someone else could mother this brood so much more effectively than I? Guilty for not following through on my good intentions, guilty for opening my mouth when it should have stayed closed.

After last treatment my feelings told me I would never feel better again, that the pain and nausea would never go away, that my family is suffering because I'm on the DL.

The list of wrong emotions goes on, as does opportunities to give in to them. Typed out here I can see the ridiculousness of these feelings, but in the thick of it they feel real. But one thing I've learned and am learning is my feelings cannot be trusted to convey TRUTH.

So this time around I'm going to write out a couple scriptures and keep them with me. And maybe one index card will simply say "This WILL end" and most definitely "I can do hard things".

THANK YOU, Team Lisa for tireless love and support. Your prayers are being answered and your big love is being felt. So, so grateful for the gift of community.

 You wouldn't believe what you can order from Amazon...and with coupons!  :)

The song God gave me this week:

And this is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a faith proved

Of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise

I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle

When triumph is still on it's way

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

Project 365, Week 2

This was the most normal week we've had in four months, whatever "normal" means to our household. After a looong week of being out of commission, it was the most amazing thing to wake up on Monday morning feeling good. The air was crisp, the sun was shining and I was up and about, trying to figure out where I left off with life a week ago.

So many blessings, so much to be thankful for, including a typical, ordinary, wonderful at-home week.

January 4

We like quiet Sunday mornings (and Saturday night church)!

January 5
I woke up feeling ready to tackle the world. I started with walking the girls to school and teaching Aiden. ;)

January 6
Homework time. After school is always a little chaotic with stories and fights and snack requests and the occasional dance party. This beauty is getting so big!

 Speaking of chaos...Shaun was watching a video with his buddy on how to fix his car while the kids were Facetiming with birthday cousins and the dog was weaving in and out....its just how we do it.

January 7
Aiden spent hours upon hours playing legos this week. Most of his aircraft have huge engines and a plethora of guns.

This was a best friends day.

January 8
Catching a ride to take a nap. I love this little guy and our days together.

January 9
The snow started suddenly and accumulated quickly. An invisible magnet compelled Aiden to be out in it. He did his best to shovel the walkway "in case someone comes to visit you" and was out there for hours just playing and puttering. Watching his enjoyment of it makes me enjoy it.

Alayna came over to do some sledding and then Amanda organized a game for her and Aiden. Here they are being dogs and Amanda called me over saying they were so cute and I should get a picture. :)

Going Batty

A happy heart is good medicine and a cheerful mind works healing 

Proverbs 17:22

Last night was one of those nights that served to support that fact that we are crazy people. It was about 11 o'clock and we were both in bed, Shaun with his headphones on doing a webinar and me snuggled up to him on a cold, cold night regretting the late-afternoon-because-its-snowing-outside cup of caffeine I'd had.

I heard a rustling noise in our bedroom and then nothing. A few minutes later the noise again, though this time unmistakable. There was a bat flying around our room! 

You might guess that I would have kind of freaked out but I simply nudged Shaun to alert him and then calmly told him there was a bat.

You see, we've always owned old homes and somehow the bats have found their way in from time to time.

Fifteen years ago when the first bat made an apperance in our bedroom it was a different scene. Shaun very calmly told me to get under the covers because there was a bat in our room then he dressed in layers from head to toe and wielded a baseball bat in one hand and a tennis racket in the other while I waited for what seemed like hours, buried underneath every piece of fabric I could pull in.

After, I rememeber thinking, wow...what a freak, once-in-a-lifetime event.

But it was not to be so. Over the years we have had about a half-dozen run-ins with various bats and we have some good ole' family lore to show for it.

One of my favorites...Shaun had the three (very little) kids by himself one night. They arrived home to find the beast flying around downstairs. Shaun secured the living room and then closed it off with the kids inside so he could go find the bat. He searched and searched and couldn't find it. Finally he went back to the living room only to discover that the bat had been in there the whole time, with the kids, hiding in the curtains!

Over the summer while foster kid E was with us, I was driving her to a visit and had my kids along as well. On the drive there, she told them all about the vacation her family had taken to Turks & Caicos...the "soda" bar in the middle of the pool, the airplanes, the fancy hotel. 

My kids listened intently and asked questions like, what's Turks & Caicos? What's the Carribbean?

On the ride back, it was my kids turn to tell E stories and they told her all the bat stories from our family! She listened intently and asked questions like, a bat? a real-live bat?

Funny stuff!

Last night the ridiculousness of it all hit me just right and I got the giggles lying there in bed. And the more crashing and banging I heard from Shaun down the hall and downstairs attempting to wrangle the vermin, the more I laughed, until I had tears.

When he got back, having successfully shooed the bat out the window (on a zero degree night) we both had a good laugh together. Good medicine!

Doing Battle, Week 15

You know what I did ALL last week? Cancer. So when I woke up today and was feeling good for the first time since Monday the last thing I wanted to write about, thinking about, dwell upon was cancer. I'm just SO happy to be out of the week.

Perspective was elusive for me. One thing that made it especially hard was that I spent the kids school vacation week not with them. A team of grandparents and aunt and uncle, who I'm so grateful for, took care of them, which was absolutely needed, just sad. The other thing that...how do they say...stuck in my craw was that it was the new year.

I'm one of those people who just love the scent of a new year and fresh beginnings and resolutions and goals and grand ambitions for the year....its usually a very meaningful, reflective time for me.

This year there is no fresh beginning, rather I'm right in the middle of it all. Much of the year has already been laid out before me and is tightly scheduled with treatments and appointments that I don't have a ton of say over. There are no fresh starts.

I've been trying to think of a prettier, "less sinful" word to use, but I think most accurately I was feeling jealous. Jealous of the people who got to spend extra time with their kids over vacation. Jealous of people forming 2015 goals and resolutions because they have a "blank slate" to work with. Jealous of the people who climb a flight of stairs without worrying that it will wipe them out for the rest of the day. Jealous of people who think of a few things they need to grab at the store and then go do it.

Couch-sitting was at an all-time high this week, which was cute for the first little bit but then got quite discouraging especially when my self-imposed "times up" time frame came and went. My patience waned and I just wanted my life back.

Still, through the noise of my inner whining there were encouraging texts emails and cards and reminders that I am not alone and that I am constantly being lifted up in prayer. My cousin even vowed to sit on the couch all day with me, several states away on my darkest day. Now that is love and something my ADD self would not be capable of. :)

Then today dawned bright and clear and its amazing what a little energy and decreased pain can do for your frame of mind. I was back in life today and have the rest of the week to enjoy. And I will!

Amanda's very first entry in her new diary was heart-breaking and telling. Wish I could better protect their tender hearts from the pain around here. But then at the same time, their hearts are also seeing the outpouring and love and support that we've been on the receiving end of for months now and I know that is making a lasting impression as well.

Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure. Psalm 16:5

Project 365, Week 1

Welcome to the 2015 version of Project 365! Incredibly, this will be my seventh year doing a picture a day...that's a lot of our family out on the web! Blogging has been such a rich experience for me, in so many measures....no way could you have convinced me of the ways I would be affected when I very hesitantly, and not without significant peer-pressure, started in 2008. I appreciate the wisdom and encouragement I've received from so many and the relationships I've built. 

Safe to say I have no idea what twists and turns this year will take, but I know that through the exercise of documenting the year, I will be able to look back and say, Surely, God was faithful.

Thanks so much for joining me here each week...it means a lot.

Oh, how I wish our first week of 2015 looked different, but this is it. Someday I hope to understand.

December 28

Distant family showed up, bearing lunch and listening ears, for no other reason than to be present with us.

December 29
My only picture from the day. Bleh!

December 30
Knowing I would be out of commission for a couple days, the kids set up shop at cousins.

December 31
Pretty tree in oncology. Pump off day!

January 1
Amy and Colombo took the kids ice-skating and met friends there, too. I was kind of surprised they got Aiden out on the ice, but all three kids raved about the experience. Thanks for the pictures, Meg!

 Yup...totally related to that one in the blue laying on the ice. ;)

 It would no doubt be enlightening to have an ear in this conversation between R and M.

 Rangling the littles, including week-old O! So cute!

Shaun met up with Amy and brought the kids over to see great-grandma for the traditional New Year's Day visit.

January 2
Clinging to the promise that the sun will rise again each day.

The sun rises and the sun sets, then hurries around to rise again. Ecclesiastes 1:5

January 3
In case you need an interpretation, this is called doing school in the car while the girls are at voice lessons.

Surrender

Last December/January I thought long and hard about what my 2014 goals would look like. I love goals and lists and fresh planners! But I really felt like I should put the traditional goals on hold and focus on one word. Here is an excerpt from that post last January:

I know so many who have chosen just one word for the year and are making that their focus.  I love that idea!  It was easy to come up with mine, since God has been stirring things in my heart.  My one word is SURRENDER.

I believe God is going to call us to bigger and harder and scarier things in the coming year.  In our pursuit of a life of significance, I want my knee-jerk response to be "all I am is yours".  I want to lose myself and the human-sized plans I have for my life and exchange them for God-sized, world-changing plans.

So much of the year I felt like I was in a holding pattern. I was preparing my heart (which maybe could more candidly be phrased "bracing myself") for the bigger, harder and scarier things I just knew God was bringing us to. 

In March we got a call for a sibling group of three, ages 8,7,3. In a three-minute conversation, after hearing the barest of details about their case, Shaun and I agreed to take them. For several hours I made up beds and got some groceries and prayed but in the end they ended up going to another home that didn't yet have any children (verses ours that already had four). 

For months they stayed in my heart and I was really heartbroken it didn't work out...it had seemed like such a good fit for us (and them!)

Around that time, my boss offered me several different ways I could expand my responsibilities within the company. Its something I've been wanting to do, and they were definitely things I was interested in and thought I'd be good at...its a small company, so its a big deal to take on something new and I just didn't feel like I could commit at that time.

My wedding photography had virtually dried up. Because of our major house renovation last spring/summer/fall, I neglected going after new business for the following year, which left me with just a few weddings on the books for this year.

Through all this, I never forgot my one word...surrender. That stirring I felt all through the year never left. I tried to stay trusting that God had a plan but as the year wore on I began to wonder if I'd missed the mark. 

And then in September...cancer. As one doctor described it, "one day you are crossing the street and you get run over by a truck".

Initially, I fully expected to be healed and then it became apparent that this is my surrender. Please don't get me wrong. I am NOT surrendering to the cancer and I still believe and know I will be healed. But I've experienced a surrendering to the process and the purpose that God has in all of this and I believe the greatest miracle God can do is not to change my circumstances but to change my heart while I'm in the circumstances. I desire that He would continue to open my eyes so that I see Him right before me.

Some days are harder than others to look at it from that perspective and many times I'd be tempted to take the "get out of jail free card" if it was offered. But when God allows me to see glimpses of His glory and grace and His hand at work, even on the low days of doing cancer...that is the abundant life....when Jesus continues to show up right in my messy circumstances.

Already I can see how God was working things out over the course of the year. In hind sight I'm relieved that sibling group didn't come to live with us because we would have been forced to make some difficult decisions about what to do with them through all this. 

I'm also glad I didn't take on the extra work that I would have been forced to back out of, leaving a burden on the company I love so much.

Am I saying this makes sense to me? Not hardly. I really don't get it. How could cancer be a better use of my time than mothering three hurting kids in the foster care system? How is it better to be spending money on medical bills than to be earning extra money with my job so we can give more extravagantly? I don't understand. But in faith, in surrender, I step down from the throne in the Kingdom of Me:

Figuring out God's way isn't any of my business. Following Him is.

Following Jesus is to offer to him all that you think you are, all that you really are, all that you think you are not, and all that you really are not--to be used in the way he chooses. It is stepping down from the throne in the Kingdom of Me and joining a new kingdom--the Kingdom of God. Its following him, even when following makes no sense. ~Kay Warren, Dangerous Surrender

In our surrender to this process of walking the cancer journey to healing, Shaun and I often say we don't want to miss any of the lessons or growing opportunities that are inherent in something like this....we want to make sure we get it all the FIRST time. :) We are expecting that God is going to do a good work in us through this.

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. James 1:2-4

Traditional goal-setting seems a little silly to me again this year, so I am prayerfully considering a new "one word" for 2015. Lord, may I please have something easier than "surrender" this year? :) :)

Happy New Year!