Monday, January 5, 2015

Doing Battle, Week 15

You know what I did ALL last week? Cancer. So when I woke up today and was feeling good for the first time since Monday the last thing I wanted to write about, thinking about, dwell upon was cancer. I'm just SO happy to be out of the week.

Perspective was elusive for me. One thing that made it especially hard was that I spent the kids school vacation week not with them. A team of grandparents and aunt and uncle, who I'm so grateful for, took care of them, which was absolutely needed, just sad. The other thing that...how do they say...stuck in my craw was that it was the new year.

I'm one of those people who just love the scent of a new year and fresh beginnings and resolutions and goals and grand ambitions for the year....its usually a very meaningful, reflective time for me.

This year there is no fresh beginning, rather I'm right in the middle of it all. Much of the year has already been laid out before me and is tightly scheduled with treatments and appointments that I don't have a ton of say over. There are no fresh starts.

I've been trying to think of a prettier, "less sinful" word to use, but I think most accurately I was feeling jealous. Jealous of the people who got to spend extra time with their kids over vacation. Jealous of people forming 2015 goals and resolutions because they have a "blank slate" to work with. Jealous of the people who climb a flight of stairs without worrying that it will wipe them out for the rest of the day. Jealous of people who think of a few things they need to grab at the store and then go do it.

Couch-sitting was at an all-time high this week, which was cute for the first little bit but then got quite discouraging especially when my self-imposed "times up" time frame came and went. My patience waned and I just wanted my life back.

Still, through the noise of my inner whining there were encouraging texts emails and cards and reminders that I am not alone and that I am constantly being lifted up in prayer. My cousin even vowed to sit on the couch all day with me, several states away on my darkest day. Now that is love and something my ADD self would not be capable of. :)

Then today dawned bright and clear and its amazing what a little energy and decreased pain can do for your frame of mind. I was back in life today and have the rest of the week to enjoy. And I will!




Amanda's very first entry in her new diary was heart-breaking and telling. Wish I could better protect their tender hearts from the pain around here. But then at the same time, their hearts are also seeing the outpouring and love and support that we've been on the receiving end of for months now and I know that is making a lasting impression as well.


Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure. Psalm 16:5

8 comments:

Melody said...

LOVE you!

Amy said...

Amanda's diary...

Love you tons. You are right where you need to be, doing what you need to do. On the other side of all of this, the hours spent on the couch will be a blip on your life's timeline. Kind of like the sleepless nights with a newborn baby, that when you're in the middle of, you are certain there will never come another night in your life that you get to sleep through the night. But then you do.

I'm sorry your week was so dark. Selfishly, we had a blast with your kids!!!

Meg A. said...

Love Ames' comment. So, so true. I know it feels long and daunting but you ARE doing it...you're getting through it and there IS another side that you will get to. And the kids will be better, stronger, and know God even MORE because they watched you walk it. We can all say that about ourselves because we've had the privilege of walking behind you through this. Love you.

The Bug said...

So sorry you had such a dark week - and I'm VERY glad that today is better for you! Amanda's diary entry breaks my heart a little, but I"m imagining the joy she'll be writing out in the not too distant future....

Ashley Beth said...

I appreciate your honesty here. There's no shame in being honest, even when it seems like what you're "supposed" to do is paint a pretty picture of a really hard thing. Thank you for your truth. Praying always...

Jackie said...

Sweet Amanda. Praying for her, and all your kiddos - for you, for Shaun. I am so sorry your week was so rough - you have been in my thoughts a lot lately and I will continue to lift you up.

Michele said...

Hugs to you Lisa. Understand more than I care too! Praying without ceasing and there is a light at the tunnel!

Laura said...

Reminds me of my forced bench time this summer on the couch - not easy in midst that's for sure. Journal will give good insight for you in how to pray for your kiddos - my most meaningful prayer time for the kids was after reading what they wrote in their prayer journals - praying for you all daily