Monday, January 12, 2015

Doing Battle, Week 16

This past week was SO good. Sunday was a couch day but Monday I woke up ready to conquer the world. I walked the girls to school, I cooked dinner, I did hours of basement cleanout, I worked. I felt almost normal. It was wonderful!!

My sister was talking to a lady who'd done the cancer battle and told her it was about two years after she was cured for her to really feel like it was behind her and she was over it. I'm thinking its going to take me about two days to put all this in the past. :)

Also this week Amy, with some key helpers, threw me an amazing 40th birthday party, a dinner party made up of family and friends who have already been there for us through so much. It was truly incredible and filled my love tank to overflowing.

I am ready to do this thing today (treatment #7 of 8). There are right around 20 more days of this phase (which will include several days of respite ) and I say, you can do anything for 20 days!!

But I remember how the week was after last treatment, so I am going in more prepared.

Pain, both physical and emotional, is a liar. It tries to convince you that there is no end, no relief, no possibility of getting on the other side. Its important to acknowledge this and then tell yourself the TRUTH. Write it down, memorize it and say it over and over.

When I ran my first marathon (the one that was warm enough to wear short sleeves and wasn't pouring rain) I wrote some key phrases on my arm and then said them over and over through the miles, like a mantra. At the 20-mile mark it all got shortened to "you and me, God" and then from 23-26 it was simply, "Jesus!" :)

The words I wrote were tough and didn't make me feel all warm and fuzzy but they were TRUTH. And truth will ground me and keep me moving forward when my body gets tired and my emotions get fickle.
Test me Lord and try me, examine my heart and my mind.
I'll find strength in pain.
I believe in redefining my impossible.
If I have to, I can do anything. I am STRONG.

Much of the advice I've read about dealing with cancer and what the sweet Cancer Society lady tells me when she stops by my treatment recliner to visit is "you need to let yourself feel your emotions". She is sweet as a glazed donut so I'm sure her emotions are all safe to run after and give into, but the emotions that cross my desk are often sinful and not all at wise to give into.

For instance, for about 13 of the 26 miles of a marathon, my emotions are telling me this was my dumbest idea yet and I should just quit. My emotions and body tell me I can't go another step, I'm not going to win anyway, I'm so slow that 70 year-old lady is beating me, I can't take another step.

I hate the first three miles of any run, so if I let myself feel my emotions I would give up every time before I ever finished.

The emotions I feel while running are not all that important to life, but here at home they are. I feel anger at my children and husband when they don't meet my expectations and at the people who walk their dog past our house without cleaning up and at the garbage man for making too much noise too early in the morning that wakes my kids and at the mailman for not delivering when the dog is loose.

I feel guilt for being inadequate in so many areas...surely someone else could mother this brood so much more effectively than I? Guilty for not following through on my good intentions, guilty for opening my mouth when it should have stayed closed.

After last treatment my feelings told me I would never feel better again, that the pain and nausea would never go away, that my family is suffering because I'm on the DL.

The list of wrong emotions goes on, as does opportunities to give in to them. Typed out here I can see the ridiculousness of these feelings, but in the thick of it they feel real. But one thing I've learned and am learning is my feelings cannot be trusted to convey TRUTH.

So this time around I'm going to write out a couple scriptures and keep them with me. And maybe one index card will simply say "This WILL end" and most definitely "I can do hard things".

THANK YOU, Team Lisa for tireless love and support. Your prayers are being answered and your big love is being felt. So, so grateful for the gift of community.

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The song God gave me this week:

And this is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise

I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle

When triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life

In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

1 comment:

The Bug said...

You've definitely got this!!