I'm still floating high from our week in Florida. It was an old-fashioned miracle that I was even able to be there and as I think back on it, I am just in awe. I can't even really put it into words, but it was a holy, sacred week. Yes, the kids fought and we waited in lines and ate horrible fake food at theme parks, but our time away was a healing balm to my soul.
With each day my body gained strength and the trauma of the last months began to fade. I was up and around and doing activities with my family, reconnecting with the husband who I'd lost to the tax season, splashing in the pool with the kids. I spent sweet time in Jesus' presence and each moment of everyday was a gift, and my heart was filled with such gratefulness to be there, with my family. There were no expectations on me and no appointments to attend...my days were effortless. In many regards, I left a patient and came back a person.
Now today I am staring down a week filled with some very important appointments. I will have an MRI done today and we'll take those results to Sloan Kettering later in the week. The surgeon will then determine the next course of action. One option is the tumor has been minimized so much that we can just do frequent monitoring. Another option is the tumor needs to be removed and surgery will be scheduled.
To say that I'm not anxious about it would be a lie. I've been able to side-burner it so I could deal with the other treatments I was doing and I didn't stew about it while we were on vacation, but now we've come up for air and this week has arrived and someone is going to tell me whether we're close enough to shore that I can just stand up and walk out of the water, or whether we need to take a deep breath and go back under.
I desperately want to believe that the tumor is gone and I am healed. At the same time I feel like I need to prepare myself in case surgery is the verdict. And so I struggle in a tug-of-war between the two, fighting and clawing for the sweet peace I've known through most of this journey. And then I get angry with myself when I think of two ladies I've befriended who are terminal with this disease and would give anything to have a surgery that would rid them of cancer.
I wouldn't have been able to bear any of this if I thought life was up to me or up to chance. Instead, I'm so thankful I get to put my trust in my Creator. Nothing happens to me that hasn't been sifted through His loving hands first. I believe he is faithful and is working everything FOR MY GOOD and that belief is not dependent on the outcome of this week.
Already this morning I've heard from the western branch of Team Lisa. All you reading here have been so faithful to stand with us and pray for us and I'm so grateful. We continue to covet your prayers as we head into this week. I hope next week I'm here posting my final installment of this cancer journey.
My sister sent me this, saying so much of it made her think of me. I'm sure it had to have been those back muscles. ;)