Monday, November 2, 2015

Doing Battle, Week 58

This week we completed treatment number 4 (or 12, but who's counting?? I know...we ALL are!) I've had several remind me that November is the month when I will be done. While I'm hopeful that is true, I'm also very mindful that the finish line has already been moved. The question my mind asks, both flippantly and fearfully is, what else is left for them to do?? Its a question that will remain unasked, because I am just. doing. today. Its truly all I can handle because its all I've been given grace for.

The oncologist decreased the dosage this round because my white blood counts were not where they needed to be. This is pretty normal (though not for me) but still frustrating, essentially because its out of my control. Despite the fact that I felt good most of the week, that I exercised, ate protein and "good stuff" at every meal, and got plenty of sleep, I couldn't make my counts do what I wanted them to do. It just comes down to what the lab report says.

As always, perspective was just around the corner as we overheard the patient next door being sent to urgent care instead of to the treatment suite. It sent shivers up and down my spine.

Because of the change in orders, they had to remix my drugs, which gave us time to stop in and see my surgeon. She didn't have much in the way of news, but it was so good to see her. We have a unique, special relationship. Is this normal? I suspect it must be when you've gone through what we've gone through together.  I understand I am one patient among multitudes but I feel like she cares very deeply and knows me as more than a medical chart. What favor and blessing!

Yesterday I watched the NYC Marathon unfold. So inspiring to see strong bodies and human spirits doing such an incredible feat. (Just for the record, the incredible feat is the months of training on good days and bad that happen before you get to the starting line). It hasn't been a race on my list, mostly because of its size and time of year and difficulty to get into, but Shaun thinks I should do it as somewhat of a redemptive act. I picture my hospital-gowned self who, earlier this year, greatly struggled to walk 20 feet with the assistance of a walker and two strong men and I think...maybe, just maybe what seems impossible now just might be possible.

But today I will so what I do best...TODAY! and I will spend this week gaining strength, growing white blood cells :) and enjoying better-than-we-deserve November weather.

Each season the MSK computer screensaver photos change, photos taken by Sloan staff. This is my fifth season and these are my favorites from this fall.

So thankful for and humbled by the endless stream of cards, texts, emails. Its just so incredible to know I have such a devoted, faith-filled team. Thank you.

I have a book problem. Sometimes I'm not up for reading at all and laying still in the dark is best, other times I need something that doesn't cause me to think or can be read in short clips. Or sometimes I'm looking for wisdom and a new revelation. I'm very thankful for the library and my Kindle, accompanied by Bookbub and a generous Amazon gift card.

Shaun picked up gloves that work perfectly for reaching into the refrigerator. One of the drugs causes cold hands and feet get painfully tingling and my face numbs up. Sometimes my fingers will get "stuck" in a position and I have to use my other hand to right it. These are very odd sensations but largely controlled by staying warm enough.

How sweet is this, from my home nurse for the kids??

My God is so big, so strong and so mighty there's nothing my God cannot do.

His delight is not in the strength of the horse, nor his pleasure in the legs of a man, but the Lord takes pleasure in those who fear Him, in those who hope in His steadfast love. Psalm 147:10-11

I don't have to be strong or perform to earn God's love. He delights in a heart that fears and hopes in him. I like that.


Ashley Beth said...

Praise Him that He delights in our hearts as we seek His face. If His favor were based on our merit or strength, we'd ALL be in such trouble.

Here's to another week of healing and strengthening in soul and body! Day by day, moment by moment, His grace is ever-sufficient. Praying you can continue to rest in that this very day.

The Bug said...

Can you listen to audio books? I get most of mine from the library... I love your perspective - of course God loves you right where you are. And of course you'll do the NYC marathon someday! But for now, rest, healing, and the warm embrace of family & friends.

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