Doing Battle, Week 59

Three cheers for off weeks! It doesn't solve all my problems, but it certainly does help....I have a laundry list of issues that on my good days I try to brush off like lint on my sleeve and on my bad days are quite consuming.

The chemo fog has settled in thick. Focus is a struggle and my mind has trouble "catching" thoughts and words. For instance, Shaun will ask me to make a phone call and if I don't write it down immediately, I will forget entirely. Nothing nags at the back of my brain telling me there is something I'm suppose to do...its just gone. I sent an email to a friend and when she replied I noticed I had stopped mid-sentence on one of my paragraphs. If I'm having a conversation, it may take me a while to find the word I'm looking for.

I think this fog may be one reason I've delighted in raking this year. No thought or focus required! Its also interesting...last year when I started chemo in October I was fresh off of marathon training, yet the chemo made it so I couldn't get the lung capacity to rake for more than 10 minutes and even then it'd wipe me out. This weekend, most definitely not in marathon condition, I raked for hours without struggling too much, though I was still was tired after. Ah...life's great mysteries. :)

We go back to NYC this week. I don't want to and don't think I can, but I know I will. Being faced with countless life and death decisions over this year has reinforced to me that we cannot live according to our emotions. On more days than I can count, I've woken up feeling like the battle was too great, too costly...too much! If I'd yielded to my emotions, I would not have shown up to those successive chemo treatments, or the last three weeks of radiation. And most certainly not surgery.

God created us as emotional creatures but letting my emotions rule me is a fast pass to discouragement and fear.  My feelings are unreliable and often do not convey truth, or at least not the whole truth....I have to daily combat those bossy emotions with TRUTH. For me, that truth is what God says, so I dig through His promises and find strength. Hope. Perseverance. He's always faithful to reveal his heart for me when I seek Him.

So I will show up for treatment #5, knowing that God is with me and that He is my refuge and strength. And I will be encouraged to know so many of you are faithfully praying for us, standing with us, loving us. You have been such a sustaining presence. Thank you for that....we are so very blessed.

After warm temps, a little rain, a little sun, my hydrangea bush this week....

God lavished love on me this week...love so undeniable I could hardly speak. The God of all creation knows me and He pursues me and wants a relationship with me. Wow.

Oh, I've heard a thousand stories of what they think you're like but I've heard the tender whisper of love in the dead of night You tell me that you're pleased and that I'm never alone I've seen many searching for answers far and wide But I know we're all searching for answers only you provide Because you know just what we need before we say a word

You're a Good, Good Father It's who you are, It's who you are, It's who you are and I'm loved by you It's who I am, It's who I am, It's who I am

You are perfect in all of your ways You are perfect in all of your ways You are perfect in all of your ways to us Oh it's Love so undeniable I, I can hardly speak Peace so Unexplainable I, I can hardly think As you call me deeper still as you call me deeper still as you call me deeper still into love love love