Monday, November 16, 2015

Doing Battle, Week 60

Its Monday, the day I write about my week with cancer. I am looking forward to the day when that is not the case. Shaun and I are just barely starting to talk about the possibility that a life beyond this could exist. We have big dreams, like maybe I can take over the household grocery shopping. Or once in a while we might be able to go out in public as a family like to church, or maybe even the two of us...on a date!

Oddly, it feels a little scary to think we are done soon. What does "done" mean? What does "done" feel like? Does "done" exist? For fourteen months we've been actively, daily fighting cancer. How will we know that its ok to not be actively taking action?

My brain, currently operating at about 60% normal capacity (maybe that's giving myself too much credit) swirls these and other questions around. How long will it be before it feels like I am integrated back into society? When can I feel like a good friend again? Can I be the wife and helpmate Shaun needs me to be? Will I ever feel whole again? What will the lasting effects be on our family, on the kids? When will we ever get a dog again? (Just kidding on that last one...mostly, Shaun and I have reveled in a pet-less environment. :)

I don't really have any answers to these questions (other than that last one, which is probably Spring-ish because a household with four kids and no dog? That's just weird. ;), so I try not to spend time on them, but they crop up anyway. So I bring it back to today, to this moment and JUST DO TODAY. And I focus on the immeasurable reasons I have to be grateful.

I read this post today and just loved it, especially this quote:

Based on the story I tell myself, I am content or not, confident or not, trusting or not, grateful or not.
Telling the story is so, so very important. Because I don’t want to forget. I want to make sure I always tell myself the story of what is true, of what is good, of what is life-giving.
The story I tell myself, the one that is true and good, is one of Hope that wouldn't let go, Love that never gave up, Life overcome the grave. That is my story and its not dependent on the answer to any of those questions above.

Arriving in the city....

"our" breakfast place, where we sit for half an hour in between the time we arrive and the time we can check in.

Leaving the city...


Blue hair! :)

I was on the "overflow" floor this time and I got a bed...

...handy because I pretty much sleep most of the time.

A little bit of out-and-about...I got to see the empty dress rehearsal of the show Shaun and Aiden and my sister and niece and nephew and dear friends are involved in.

Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. ~Victor Hugo, Les Miserables


Melody said...

Love the Les Mis quote! And love you!

Amy said...

You're beautiful even in a mask! Why don't all the chemo suites have the bed option? That's the way to go!

Laura said...

So awesome to have a bed so should be the standard! Always teary and amazed with the brilliance or your written words - another facetime date soon please

The Bug said...

Heading up over that hill any minute now... Sometimes going down is hard too, but I think it will be a breeze for you!

Amy Joy said...

Agreed with Amy's comments! She took the words right out of my mouth. I love that quotation you posted and your honesty about the processing of all of this.