Numbering Days, Week 53-57

So often when I sit down to write these posts I just don't even know where to begin. I find it so much easier to rattle off doctor's appointments or test results. The "off" times are a gift, but it takes much more time to sift through thoughts and put words together that hopefully convey where I'm at but maybe they don't make sense at all. 

I don't fully understand all the reasons for what I'm going through but it doesn't change what I hold to be true about God. He hasn't taken away my sickness, but He is with me in it. His presence is rich and sweet in a way that can't be know in health or prosperity or in times of peace. 

Maybe early on in suffering or a personal struggle we may cynically think sovereignty means that God can do whatever he wants and doesn't have to explain himself. But as we seek to know his heart and grow in maturity, it becomes clear that His sovereignty and mercy are never separate. In His sovereignty, He is always good and always for us. 

I might not be able to see that because of the limitations of time and space and my finite human mind but I continue to grow more comfortable sitting in the mystery of God. I am more and more ok not being able to understand all His ways. I trust His character and His promises more than my ability to understand. He is good, He is sovereign and He can be trusted.

“It is endlessly comforting to have a God who is both infinitely more wise and more loving than I am. He has plenty of good reasons for everything he does and allows that I cannot know, and therein is my hope and strength.” ~Tim Keller

Following the latest suggestion from my oncologist, I stopped at the pharmacy to grab Alleve. I turned into the aisle and had two simultaneous thoughts...man, I wish there was something among all these bottles of pills that could cure what I have and also, what grace that I live in America where symptom relief is readily available and I have options to help decrease the pain.

I walk most days, because I can.

The library and I are finally friends again. I've always been a reader and even when the kids were small and I was working and running and all the things, I would still find time to read for 20 minutes a day. But last summer when I got the news that we were out of cure options, I suddenly, and without forethought or explanation, stopped reading. 

Many months later I felt ready to try reading again but by that time my local library was well into building renovations and the process of getting a book from them became very inconvenient and unreliable. But! The library is back in operation and I am back to my 20 minutes a day, just in time for soccer pickup waits in the car.

God invites us to bring our true hearts to Him...that includes our questions and doubts. My trust and assuredness come from talking to Him, from reading His words. From over and over choosing to be faithful to God, in all of my changing circumstances. 

I pray that we would all grow the strength to look for Jesus, even when the story doesn't appear to be good. May we grow in the knowledge that His sovereignty and mercy are never separate.