Numbering Days, Week 83-86

Compartmentalizing, I think is what they call what my brain does. When I'm told a month in advance that I'm going to have a procedure with a big upside and lots of downside, I put it in a shoe box and reach up and slide it on a shelf where it stays until its necessary to relocate it, slide it back out, blow the thin layer of dust off the cover and open it up to process. 

On Thursday night, after a long day of work I was in so much pain, pain that I hadn't had prior to the first procedure but had had since, I opened the box as I wondered aloud to Shaun if I was up for the next batch of awfulness this next procedure could create. Then I worked through it with Shelva and Amy and mostly God, until when Monday morning came, I felt ready, come what may.

Once I was checked in and prepped, the doctor came in to go over the procedure in detail. He drew a picture as he described what he was attempting to do, explaining there were essentially four hurdles he had to contend with. (If you've been curious about what procedure the best of the best invented at that medical conference, here it is): 

It turns out, he never got past the first hurdle in surgery. Instead, he came up against a granite wall of scar tissue from nine years ago and the mission had to be cancelled. Truly, the only thing worse than having the procedure is not being able to have it. Because the other procedure was so successful, I honestly hadn't given much consideration to the fact that this second one might not be possible. In a short amount of time we went from not knowing the chance existed, to embracing the chance, to being told the chance was not an option after all. It was a lot to process. 

At 3 AM the next morning, I was wide awake, the most random and somewhat meaningless thoughts dancing through my head. Finally I went downstairs, lit a candle and settled in with my Bible and coffee. 

I wasn't going to do a Word of the Year this year but weeks ago God dropped the word "Lament" on my heart. I tried to give it back but he insisted through a few different "signs". Lament doesn't sound like happy thoughts and I don't even fully know what it means, but on this morning, I spent a couple hours digging into the meaning. Did you know nearly half of the Book of Psalm are prayers of lament? Apparently, its a thing.

For sure I didn't want to sit with our bad news or spend time mourning or processing. But I knew I needed to and God, is His sweet kindness and personal-ness, woke me early to stay in my heartbreak for a while and pray my in the meantime prayers.

Then, I put clothes on over the surgery shrapnel, my throat still sore from being intubated and went to face all manner of nonsense at the office, grateful to have such a relentless diversion.

Avery and Shaun had had a conversation about the outcome of the procedure and what now, but we had set aside time later in the afternoon to connect as a family and talk about it. As it happened, Amanda, Aiden and I were riding to church together and it came up in conversation as they were trying to understand it all.

I described the end of a football game when the game is tied or one team is down a touchdown and there's not much time left on the clock. I said, do you know what a "hail Mary" means? And sweet, sweet, catholic-elementary-school-graduate Amanda described a prayer to Mary. My heart melted!! In football terms, its a long pass thrown into the end zone with the hope someone can catch it to win the game. The failure of this procedure feels like we dropped the pass on what was one of our last-ditch efforts.

In those tender moments, I told my kids that the goodness or badness of this is not dependent on whether we understand it or not. I reminded them we've been promised that life would be hard. I told them, this is why its so important for you to be reading the Bible, so that you can learn about and know the same God we've been reading about in these early months of a Bible-in-a-Year reading plan. He is the same God that he was back then, the God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob. And He is always, always faithful.

I got choked up and couldn't speak anymore. Almost never do I cry about cancer stuff, but to think on the faithfulness of God, that'll get me. While I was trying to collect myself, now sitting at the stop light almost at church, I prayed God, it would be so cool if we sang that song, Same God this morning.  

I sat with my family, my heart so very full to look down the row to see those faces. Its unusual for us to sit together but we were this day because of the baptisms. We got through the song service and I even silently criticized one of the choices. (By the way, I know better than this, to like or not like songs....that's just not what worship is about.) Even still....after announcements, they did one last song while the offering was being collected. YES! It was SAME GOD!! I had my own little private, immediate miracle and it was just what I needed to feel loved, seen, not forgotten. 

Another Monday and we were back in the city, meeting with the spine doctor about my pain. He wonders if its inflammation from the first procedure and not tumor growth. In fact, he seemed pretty confident that is the case. Not surprisingly, he ordered an MRI so he could get more information, which I'll do soon.

We left with not bad news, which was a relief. We even had fun! Laughing is something we do a lot more of than we used to because so much is so ridiculously hard so when we can joke, we do.

I have enough foot problems that there are no shoes I can wear comfortably. When we left the house at 6 AM I put slippers on to walk out to the car. Only later did I realize I'd forgotten to grab the shoes I was going to put on when we got to NYC. Thankfully, we were able to use the hospital parking garage so I didn't have to walk far or on the streets.

We picked up lunch on the way home, called it a date, and were back at the office by 1:30. 

I've glazed over the hard of these weeks, the known and the unknown feel equally weighty and even as experienced as we are, we still find ourselves in new territory, doing our best to process and make the best decisions with the wisest counsel. Thank you for your continued prayers.

I'm calling on the God of Jacob

Whose love endures through generations

I know that You will keep Your covenant

I'm calling on the God of Moses

The one who opened up the ocean

I need You now to do the same thing for me

You answered prayers back then

And You will answer now

You are the same God

You are the same God

O Rock, O Rock of ages

I'm standing on Your faithfulness

On Your faithfulness