Monday, April 6, 2015

Doing Battle, Week 28

As Amanda would say, "I was so temp-TATE-ed" to skip this post. I am so completely tired of this whole cancer business and having so much of life be about me and I feel like I always sound like cancer-blah, blah, blah. Also, it is a hard week to report on because, was hard. But, I know that so many of you genuinely care and this is your primary source for an update on where we are and so, in exchange for your thoughts and prayers, I am happy to use this space to keep you "in the loop". ;)

My instinct is to gloss over the hard and wrap it all up neatly but its simply not fair to tell my story like that. Many of you are going through hard times of your own and struggle through difficult days and it would be deceitful of me to come here and tell you I'm breezing through these final weeks of radiation and chemotherapy.

Truthfully, I'm in pretty constant pain and I have a sheet of exhaustion resting over me. I'm also tired because my sleep has become a bit fitful but the exhaustion is different. Its not something that goes away with a nap. I have a wide variety of bodily function issues that I don't enjoy discussing. When my friend first heard about my cancer one of her first comments was "but Lisa, you are such a private, polite person". Yeah, that all went out the window. I have had the craziest conversations with doctors and nurses...even after all this time it is still surreal to be talking about my bowel movements with these professionals who are trying to help me. And I always ask myself, HOW did we get here?!?

This past week was especially trying because we're nearing the end of tax season and we had a full week of Passion of the King performances. I was so thrilled that our family got to be a part of it and its exactly where they needed to be and where I wanted them to be but I just wasn't up for joining them. So for three of the shows I sent them off and stayed here and each night I fought back tears of self-pity. And feeling self-pity try to sneak in just made me mad at myself. I'm aware that there is so much pain and suffering around the world, much of it dwarfing my own and I wrestle with that.

Everyday at radiation the nurses and techs ask if I'm resting and I say, yes! that's ALL I'm doing! I'm so anxious to be back to me!

But you know what? Even in the midst of this, there are so. many. blessings! All the food we ate this week was cooked by other people. The YouCaring account that a couple family members set up was fully funded, covering our insurance deductible for both last year and this. The texts, the hugs, the cards, the encouragement, people I do know getting people I don't know to pray for me even though they've never met me, seeing love and care in peoples eyes. Its all so humbling and overwhelming.

My plan this week is to praise and honor God with whatever breath I have, even in defiance of the pain. I feel somewhat renewed after getting the weekend off and I have refreshed vision. I covet your prayers, that I would finish strong and that this course would be effective and complete. Just FIVE more treatments!!

School on the couch...its where the cool people hang out. :)

 As you might imagine, Aiden sticks out in the cancer center. We are both decades younger than most there and he is such a likable, friendly guy. The man at the front desk took a little bit to win over, but now he grins big and wide when Aiden walks in the door. They chat and each day Aiden leaves with some type of goody. This day he scored especially big.
 After a late Passion of the King night, went in to school late. I made the (poor) decision to walk them to school, enjoying the beautiful day. The less-than-a-mile walk completely wiped me out. But I adore how Aiden always reaches for my hand.
 Fresh bread!
A candle was lit for me at a church in Italy!


Ashley Beth said...

Bless you. I am sorry to hear it was a hard week. I see God weaving such strength, patience, and compassion into who you are as a person. He is using these trials for good, hold true to that promise. Five more treatments! You've got this because He's got you! Continuing to pray!

Melody said...

Thank you for writing, even in and about the hard stuff. Love you tons!

The Bug said...

I'm so sorry you had a hard week - and it's perfectly ok to feel sad about not being "you" right now. Still praying...