My instinct is to gloss over the hard and wrap it all up neatly but its simply not fair to tell my story like that. Many of you are going through hard times of your own and struggle through difficult days and it would be deceitful of me to come here and tell you I'm breezing through these final weeks of radiation and chemotherapy.
Truthfully, I'm in pretty constant pain and I have a sheet of exhaustion resting over me. I'm also tired because my sleep has become a bit fitful but the exhaustion is different. Its not something that goes away with a nap. I have a wide variety of bodily function issues that I don't enjoy discussing. When my friend first heard about my cancer one of her first comments was "but Lisa, you are such a private, polite person". Yeah, that all went out the window. I have had the craziest conversations with doctors and nurses...even after all this time it is still surreal to be talking about my bowel movements with these professionals who are trying to help me. And I always ask myself, HOW did we get here?!?
This past week was especially trying because we're nearing the end of tax season and we had a full week of Passion of the King performances. I was so thrilled that our family got to be a part of it and its exactly where they needed to be and where I wanted them to be but I just wasn't up for joining them. So for three of the shows I sent them off and stayed here and each night I fought back tears of self-pity. And feeling self-pity try to sneak in just made me mad at myself. I'm aware that there is so much pain and suffering around the world, much of it dwarfing my own and I wrestle with that.
Everyday at radiation the nurses and techs ask if I'm resting and I say, yes! that's ALL I'm doing! I'm so anxious to be back to me!
But you know what? Even in the midst of this, there are so. many. blessings! All the food we ate this week was cooked by other people. The YouCaring account that a couple family members set up was fully funded, covering our insurance deductible for both last year and this. The texts, the hugs, the cards, the encouragement, people I do know getting people I don't know to pray for me even though they've never met me, seeing love and care in peoples eyes. Its all so humbling and overwhelming.
My plan this week is to praise and honor God with whatever breath I have, even in defiance of the pain. I feel somewhat renewed after getting the weekend off and I have refreshed vision. I covet your prayers, that I would finish strong and that this course would be effective and complete. Just FIVE more treatments!!
School on the couch...its where the cool people hang out. :)
A candle was lit for me at a church in Italy!