The steadfast love of the never ceases;
Steadfast love is a phrase that I've been meditating on (recently, and again)...it seems to be popping up in unsuspecting places and often enough that I've started to pay attention. Steadfast love also means loving-kindness. Not only does God love, but everything he does is kind. There is nothing he can do that does not flow out of a heart of love for me. He wants to pour out loving-kindness on me.
One thing that was initially hard and then we've had to revisit often is the knowledge that we are not in control. I cannot run more miles, Shaun cannot work more hours, we cannot give more money for this to go away. I thought I had given God control, but I've had to realize there were still things I wanted to hold onto.
How foolish of me to want to hold back any piece of my life from his control, not trusting that He'll do what's right. How prideful to think I can do a better job with those things I try to grip onto than the God of the universe!
Control is an illusion and cancer begins stripping that illusion even from Day One. I remember the day we got the word, nearly a year ago, that the tumor was cancerous. As I finished up the call with the doctor, she said someone from her office would be calling to schedule the next step. I grabbed my day planner and went to my bedroom where the kids wouldn't hear my conversation.
When the receptionist called, I was ready with my planner open to tell her when I could fit in a couple appointments, in between school events and soccer games and play rehearsal and work and family events. We never got to what my week looked like, she simply told me who my appointments were with and what days/times to show up. That certainly set the tone.
We've come to understand the hard truth that we are not in control and in our hearts we've had come to the place where we give up control (or at least the notion of control). But we've had to take that a step further....not just releasing control, but embracing God's sovereignty and lordship over all.
Not my will, but yours be done.
Let me tell you, those are painful words to say! But they are followed by a tremendous sense of peace and such a freedom in knowing that this...all of this...does not rest on my shoulders. All I have to do is trust in his perfect love for me. His steadfast love and loving-kindness.
I know this is God's Plan A for my life. My hope is not in understanding someday, my hope is in a God who understands right now.
I will never forget this awful time,