The Excellent Wife, Chapter 21

The Wife's Sorrow...Overcoming a Grieving Heart

Husbands (and wives) are capable of very hurtful sin, causing much grief to the spouse's heart. This chapter pointed out that there are really two different kids of sorrow, godly sorrow and sinful sorrow.

Sinful sorrow fills your heart with sorrow and causes you to be overcome by this emotion. It causes you to be overwhelmed and unable to function.

"Godly sorrow is manageable. It does not overwhelm you. It co-exists within your heart along with the peace of God, the joy of God, and love for God and others."

"The key to overcoming excessive and sinfully overwhelming sorrow is to repent of any specific sinful motives, thoughts or actions and to concentrate on showing love to God and others. In the process, the person's capacity to love grows and their sorrow shrinks back down to a level that is manageable."

"If you are in an especially difficult situation, you must seek your comfort and hope from God. He is to be your refuge and your strength. Let Him talk to you through His word."

The author also points out that developing a grateful heart and attitude will help you feel hope and will keep your sorrow at a manageable level.

Like most of the chapters we've gone through, the steps for overcoming sorrow go against our natural feelings. This is an area that we must deliberately deal with and trust that God is going to see us through.

Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden , and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My load is light. Matthew 11: 28-30

There is comfort and and refuge in our mighty God.
_____________________________________________________________
Well, we've reached the end of The Excellent Wife book. I have really enjoyed being a part of an online study group...it provides accountability and insight while being flexible. I want to thank Leslie for the tremendous job she did putting this together and for all those who stuck it out these 21 weeks. I've learned so much from reading this book the participating blog posts.

So, who is the excellent wife?

"She loves God with all her heart. She takes the Word of God seriously. She is not ignorant of her biblical responsibilities. She loves, respects, and submits to her husband as God desires. She is growing and learning personally, and she is teaching other women. She loves the role God has given her. She the glory of her husband. She truly glorifies God."

The Excellent Wife, Chapter 20

The Wife's Loneliness...Overcoming a Lack of Oneness

The first thing I thought of when reading this chapter was one of the 'likes and dislikes' I listed in my high school yearbook. Likes: being alone, Dislikes: being lonely. Still rings true to me today, many years later. I cherish and crave alone time. In fact, to a fault, I think, I seek it out.

But being lonely? Oh, what an awful feeling, especially when I am with another person or a crowd. If I am with another, especially my husband, I expect to talk and connect and relate. When this doesn't happen, for whatever reason, feelings of loneliness can creep in.

That is when it is good for me to keep in perspective my place in this world and in God's kingdom. What am I ultimately looking for when I feel lonely?

"Nothing that you could possibly desire would be better than a closeness to God...Not even a husband who openly and freely shares himself with you. When you experience loneliness, let your emotions be a signal that you need God. Draw close to God in grateful submission to Him."

When I can turn my thoughts towards God and what He would desire instead of worrying about me and my needs, then the self-pity that often accompanies loneliness does not have a place. My selfish heart always wants to ensure my own comfort, but I am here to serve God, not God serving me.

"Work hard at knowing Christ in a more intimate way and at putting on gratitude and contentment. Thank God often for your circumstances and what God wants to teach you and how God wants to use you for His glory."

The Excellent Wife, Chapter 19

The Wife's Fear...Overcoming Anxiety

Biblical Principles Concerning Fear

• Fear may keep us from fulfilling our God-given responsibilities
• Fear may motivate a person to commit other sins "Fear operates like a flood gate opening and letting all the other sins loose."
• Fear may motivate a person to deny the Lord Jesus and His word "remind yourself that God was and still is sovereign over every circumstance"
• Fear may be of other men "fear is a fact of life in a fallen world. How we respond to our fears depends on our relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ"

Solutions to Fear

1. Do not be a man pleaser "Instead of seeking man's approval, seek God's by having strong, clear biblical convictions and living them out"
2. Remind yourself of God's Word Those who love Thy law have great peace, and nothing causes them to stumble, Psalms 119:165
3. Make wise decisions "Wisdom is the ability to related truth (God's word) to life situations"
4. Realize the power of God working within you "You become fearful because of what you think about particular circumstances, not because of the circumstances themselves. As a result, your focus becomes more and more inward. You become more and more frightened. Typically you think, 'What's going to happen to me?' An inward focus is a selfish focus and the fear that results from selfish thinking is not from God. It is a consequence of your own sin"
5. Fear the Lord and delight in His commands "How foolish when we fear sickness or death, but do not fear God or His commandments"
6. Realize God is ever-present with you "Remind yourself and trust that God is always with you"
7. Trust God to keep His word Heaven and earth will pass away, but My Words shall not pass away, Matthew 24:35
8. Seek after the Lord when you are afraid I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears, Psalm 34:4
9. Overcome your fear with love "Love looks for opportunities to give. Fear keeps an eye on the consequences to self. Love 'thinks no evil'. Fear thinks of little else. Love 'believes all things' while fear is highly suspicious"

I was thanking the Lord this week that I've never really had to struggle too much with this issue of fear, although I know many do. Growing up, there was not an atmosphere of fear. My parents trusted the Word of God and lived by it and were fairly laid-back in regards to the typical fear hot points.

As I got older, I discovered for myself that I serve a big God who doesn't need my help and input. He's proven over and over that He takes better care of me than I can take care of myself by worrying, wondering and being fearful and I rest in that.

I pray that you will find the peace in your heart that my loving Savior wants so much for you to have. Prayerfully take these steps to heart and ask God to help you. His grace is sufficient.

The Excellent Wife, Ch 18

The Wife's Anger...Overcoming Impatience

True confessions...

Normally each week I read the chapter on Monday and then again on Friday. This week I didn't read it until Tuesday and it was one day too late. You see, Monday evening I got frustrated and vented that to Shaun. While I was talking to him, I briefly thought you should stop and think about this first. Give it a little time to ponder and then bring it up if you still think its worth it. But alas, I plunged ahead and said what I needed to say.

We don't ever yell at each other, but I sure know how to make biting remarks that I regret later and I'm also pretty proficient at pouting.


"Anger and resentment are two powerful emotions you are likely to feel when you are frustrated or irritated. Getting it off your chest does not help the frustration, it only compounds the sin and guilt."

Oh, so true.

"Become keenly aware that each and every time you have an outburst of anger, your sinful flesh sets itself in direct opposition to the Holy Spirit."

I cannot afford to live my life in opposition to the Holy Spirit.

"The contrast between one who stirs up anger and one who subdues anger is abundantly clear. One is a fool. The other is wise. One is harsh. The other is gentle. One produces strife. The other pacifies contention. One will spout folly. The other ponders carefully before he answers."

Does anything more need to be said?

Biblical Steps to Change Character from Anger to Gentleness

1. Teaching--choose several scriptures relevant to you, meditate on them and memorize them. Know them well


2. Reproof--ask others to hold you accountable to let you know when you seem to be angry


3. Correction--later, think what you should have said. How should your countenance and tone of voice been. Confess each specific angry incident to God and to others if you have offended someone. Do it every time


4. Training in Righteousness--think and act accordingly to the Word of God repeatedly until the gentle and loving responses are your first thoughts instead of afterthoughts. Ask God to change your heart and character. "Humble yourself, cry out to God in prayer for help, roll up your sleeves, and get to work."

I really liked these steps. They seem to be practical and doable...doable being the operative word! You have to think right thoughts. "Right thoughts are compassionate, kind, humble, gentle, patient, forbearing, forgiving and loving" Colossians 3:12-14

There's my favorite subject again...thoughts! What things am I dwelling on? I want to get to the point where I don't even have room for angry or hurtful thoughts because they are drowned out with God's Word.

God really used my little outburst on Monday night to make this chapter very real and timely for me. So many of the other concepts we've been studying were coming to my remembrance this week: respect, putting on love, going the second mile, love is not a feeling its a choice, selfishness, instead of wounding your husband, use your tongue to bring healing, a Christian wife's goal is to glorify God, etc, etc....My prayer is that I will truly take these things to heart and be an excellent wife.

The Excellent Wife, Ch 17

Conflict...Quietness of the Wife's Spirit

In this chapter on conflict, the author said there are basically three types of conflict:

• Differentness
• Selfishness / Sinfulness
• Righteousness

Differentness is not right or wrong, its just...well, different. I think differentness conflicts happen, for the most part, in the early stages of a relationship. Eventually, after arguing over and over about how to squeeze the tube of toothpaste, you come to a compromise. Or you buy two tubes.

Overcoming differentness is "forbearance", which is basically "putting up with the other person's traditions or idiosyncrasies". Neither person should insist on having their own way and if you know its something really important to your husband you should "willingly give in graciously for the sake of unity and for the sake of remaining under your husband's authority."

Over these 14 years, Shaun and I have worked out and come to understand most of our differences. In fact, I think we appreciate each other more because of them.

"The sin of selfishness is the number one reason why people do not get along." Yeah, totally makes sense. I don't think I've ever seen it boiled down so simply, but its true. Forget all the 25-reasons-your-marriage-is-in-trouble books. The conflict is because one of us is sinning by being selfish. This yields "angry outbursts, pouting, manipulating, nagging, or resentment". Ug-ly!

The third conflict trigger is righteousness. Essentially, arguing over how to interpret Scripture. "A wife needs to be careful to separate her own personal interpretation of God's Word from the level of God's absolute Law".

Attitudes Needed to Solve Conflict

1. Humility "a humble person view himself in proper perspective to God and others".
2. Gentleness "strength under control". Tenderness and compassion, calm while under pressure, careful and thoughtful when responding during conflict
3. Patience taught through tribulation and testings
4. Forbearance "self-restraint and putting up with one another"

Difficult? Yes, because we are all, by nature, selfish. However, "Love does not seek its own way" I Corinthians 13:5. As I prefer Shaun and "put on" love, I will be loving him instead of being selfish. As Peace said in chapter 9, "you do not have to feel 'led' to be unselfish, you just have to do it".

The Excellent Wife, Ch 16

Communication...Control of the Wife's Tongue

An excellent wife, who can find her? For her worth is far above jewels...She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. Proverbs 31:10,26

This chapter presented nine principles regarding the tongue. Personally, God started to deal with me about my words back in chapter 2 when we started talking about sin and just being reminded of the fact that I am a "creature serving the Creator" and my "view of like is to be God-centered, not self-centered."

I hate to admit it, but I often find my thoughts still in the adolescent stage of I know everything and I have handle on the truth so that qualifies me to judge you. What I am slooowly learning is that I do not know everything and I am commanded to not judge anyone. "It is presumption for one person to believe they know what another person is thinking or why they did what they did." When I apply this to my husband, it helps me shut my mouth. Is it possible there is a piece of information I do not have? Would he have thought that through and then hurt me purposely anyway?

I married a Mechanical Engineer and he fits many of the associated stero-types. He thinks everything through and does nothing without a solid reason behind it. I try to remember not to ask his reasons for doing things because I've learned over the years that there always is one and if he shares it with me, it will bring on brain spasms.

Just as an example, sometimes he's looking for a particular pair of socks and if, after a couple minutes of searching we cannot find them, I'll slip up and ask why he needs those socks. Always, he is ready to give me a 20-point-domino thought process of why those socks. Mid-way through, I am begging for mercy. It would be fun to have him on as a guest sometime so you can see for yourself...its truly crazy.

Anyway...I just have to remember to not pass judgement on the "motives of men's hearts" I Corinthians 4:5.

If you read my take on the last chapter then you know I was excited to see the first point this week is:

A Wife's Wrong Words Begin With Wrong Thoughts and Motives

For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart. Matthew 12:34

"Heart in Scripture includes a person's thoughts, choices, or motives. Your 'heart' is not some emotional part of you that you have no control over. What you think about is a choice you make." My thoughts, my words, the condition of my heart are My. Choices. Its so important that we are constantly dumping good, edifying stuff into our heart.

From chapter 3:

"How hard you work at putting on the right thoughts and actions will directly affect how much like the Lord Jesus Christ you become in this life."

Hands down, my purpose here on earth is to glorify God. If my life is not about that then why was I put here for this little speck of time? I know it brings glory to Him when I speak kind, loving, healing words to my husband. Now I just need to practice!!

The Excellent Wife, Ch 15

Honoring Christ...Key to the Wife's Motivation

This chapter was again dealing with submission. I'm getting that it is a vital part of being an "excellent wife"! The author listed out 20 motivators to being submissive, since it does not come naturally to most wives. Thankfully, Leslie listed them out if you want to see the full list.

Mind-over-matter, speak-to-yourself things really make sense to me and help me in many areas of life. "Regardless of her feelings, she should honor Christ by developing a mind-set or a resolve to do the right thing in the right way with the right motive whether she feels like it or not. In the process, her feelings will eventually change."

It is vital that we change our thinking from "What can I get out of this? to How can the Lord Jesus Christ be honored in this?" That gets the focus off of me, me, me. The "me" world gets old quickly and at some point you have to realize "its not about me"! Its such a liberating concept to grasp.

"Thus says the Lord, 'Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches; but let him who boasts boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the Lord who exercises lovingkindness, justice, and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things,' declares the Lord. Jeremiah 9:23,24

If you just skimmed over that verse, go back and read it again. Wow! I don't remember reading this verse before, or maybe it just finally speaks to me now. I want to know Him. I want to understand the God who is loving, just and righteous.

I know it to be true in my own life, the more I spend time with God, reading His word and talking to him, studying His character, the less I am concerned with watching out for myself and making sure everyone is taking care of Lisa. Regrettably, it only takes missing two or three days of my set-aside time with God before my selfish heart takes over.

So to me, the Study the Character of God point is first and all others flow out from doing this.

The Excellent Wife, Ch 14

God's Provision...Resources for the Wife's Protection

This chapter contained eight biblical ways God protects a submissive wife when her husband sins against her. The all require action and obedience to God's word.

Communicate Biblically

"God-honoring responses are gentle, loving in tone, and edifying to the hearer." In other words, thinking what you are going to say before you say it. What a concept!

Overcome Evil With Good

How is this done? "When a husband sins, instead of dwelling on what he did and plotting a way to get back at him, a godly wife prayerfully considers a specific, practical act in which she can render a blessing to her husband. After she thinks of it-she must do it!" There's that action-on-my-part thing again! "Having a second mile attitude will also help prevent a wife from becoming embittered."

Make A Biblical Appeal

• should be done for the purpose of achieving the husband's objective or desire


• motive can not be manipulation


• do it respectfully


• use good timing


• make the appeal only once (the whole nagging-wife-dripping-water thing)


• always prefaced or concluded with a statement that we are willing to do what our husbands ultimately decide

Give A Biblical Reproof

This is telling someone that what they are doing is not right according to the Word of God. It was a lengthy section with some good information. "All scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be adequately equipped for every good work." II Timothy 3:16,17

Respond Biblically To Foolish Demands

"A foolish man is one who rejects the Word of God and does what is right in his own eyes." Do not answer a fool according to his folly lest you be like him. Proverbs 26:4 "The tendency for may wives is to respond to mistreatment by their husbands with sinful anger, fear, pouting, clamming up, yelling, going home to mother, crying, making brutal verbal attacks or other defensive behavior." In other words, responding to a fool like a fool.

Seek Godly Counsel

Obviously, its important counsel is given by a godly person who knows and believes the scripture, that the Bible applies to everyday life and that it is given so that we can lead a life pleasing to God. "Such a person will believe that the Bible is true and is without error and that the Bible can not lead people astray if it is properly understood and obeyed."

Church Discipline

"If your brother sins, go and reprove him in private, if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two of three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church" Matthew 18:15-17

Involve the Governing Authorities

This step is used only when there is danger to the wife or her children. Passively submitting to physical abuse is never right.

All these steps were laid out in detail. I appreciate the fact that God has given us such a clear path to take in our relationships. The Bible is so practical and useful. I'm also thankful that God has given Shaun to me. I never have to get to far into these steps. However, the perfecting the first two is enough to last me a lifetime! God-honoring responses in a gentle and loving way and a second-mile attitude. Yeah, that is plenty for me to work on!

The Excellent Wife, Ch 13

Biblical Submission...Basis of the Wife's Protection

"Submission is the way that all Christians should respond to God and the way the wife should respond to her husband. She can respond with tenderness, gentleness and gracious obedience or she can respond with harshness or irritation."

Although the topic of submission has been covered, I think this chapter went deeper into it, emphasizing "But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything" Ephesians 5:24

The author points out that the verb "be subject to" in the Greek is a military term which means to be ranked under in military order. "This ranking of the wife under the husband's authority was sovereignly chosen by God so that there will be order and harmony in the home."

I've never been in the military, but I've read enough and seen enough to know that there is order because each rank is clearly defined and followed.

Because I trust my husband and he is wise and godly, this picture of order means safety and protection to me. Shaun is the leader in our home, but that doesn't mean he is a dictator. Actually, he consults me on any major or semi-major decision. He is happy for my feedback and input and is always respectful in seeking out my thoughts on a matter. From our history together, I can also rely on the confidence I've gained from watching him put my needs and the needs of our children first in the decisions he makes.

Usually I am thankful to submit to the covering that Shaun is to our family. I need to make sure I am being joyfully obedient and that my life and my actions are glorifying God. Eleven specific ways a wife is not submissive to her husband were listed, here are a couple:

• She argues or pouts or gives him the cold shoulder when she does not get her own way. Proverbs 21:9
• She directly defies his wishes. I Samuel 15:23
• She worries about the decisions he makes and takes matters into her own hands. Philippians 4:7 & 8
• She does not pay attention to what he says. James 1:19
• She does not discipline the children as she should (even after her husband asks her to). Proverbs 29:15

After reading this list, I realized I have not yet "arrived" in the area of submission, however, I truly want God's heart in all areas of my life.

The Excellent Wife, Ch 12

Submission...the Wife's Joy

Although I am exactly one week behind in this post, I didn't want to forget it, especially since it was a short chapter concerning Submission and Joy:

"God is always working His purpose in a wife's circumstances. He wants to develop Christlike character within her and give her the special opportunities and privilege to glorify Him."

"Being filled with the Spirit encompasses both wifely submission and joy...If you are 'Spirit-filled', you will be expressing gratitude to God in all circumstances daily. Gratefulness should often be in your thoughts as well as verbally expressed."

Its so important to the atmosphere of our homes when we have a thankful attitude and are filled with joy. This joy comes from being in the will of God, from spending time with Him.

The author challenges us to "commit yourself to learning submission". I like how that is put. We need to put in the effort to learn it. Practice. Talk to yourself. This is God's plan and it works.

The Excellent Wife, Ch 11

The Wife's Response

You had to know it would appear in a marriage book...a chapter on intimacy. I'll try to find a balance between honesty and TMI (too much information).

"God designed sex in marriage for physical intimacy and the procreation of life"...its His gift to us to "enhance closeness and oneness within marriage".

Isn't that cool that the same God who wrote the Ten Commandments also gave us sex in marriage?! I've read parts of the Song of Solomon and Proverbs and thought, 'I'm not sure that should be in the bible.'

Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love." Proverbs 5:18-19

"The physical union of husband and wife is designed by God to meet a God-given desire for companionship, to protect the husband and wife from temptation, and for the mutual giving and receiving of great pleasure and joy between the husband and the wife. Companionship is strengthened by the private, intimate physical bond of a married couple."

Through 14 years of marriage we've had some trial and error in this area. One of the things I've had to work through is why God would give us such different levels of desire. Over the years I have figured out that sex for my husband is a need that ranks closely with food, sun and water. Its something he needs in order to be a man. Its just not that far up on the list for me. Thus,

"Let each of you esteem and look upon and be concerned for not [merely] his own interests, but also each for the interests of others." Philippians 2:4

Recently, I was listening to a talk from Family Life on the subject. The speaker explained that women have many avenues for being fulfilled as a woman such as through the process of having, nurturing and raising children and just nurturing people in general. Men have one and only one way to truly be fulfilled as a man.

He went on the say that when a woman has a desire for her husband, that gives him a sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of his life. We as women have the power to change his life by meeting his needs in this way. Incredible to think of it like that! Men want to be wanted and affirmed by their wives in bed. This helps towards building the loving home that a woman is looking for.

One of Shaun's favorite sayings is "I'm just a simple man". This is really all it takes for them...they are not complicated and complex like we are. They really are simple.

"Plan times for physical intimacy with your husband, give yourself to him, anticipate being with him, and look forward to the times when you can be together. Be a loving wife, warm and responsive. If you are not in the mood, concentrate on pleasing your husband. Your mood will likely improve. Don't just glorify God on Sunday morning, but also in the intimacy of your marriage bed"...practical, challenging, true.

The Excellent Wife, Ch 10

The Wife's Reverence

"...and let the wife see to it that she respects her husband." Ephesians 5:33 There is so much pressure from our society to disregard this notion of respecting our husbands. It is viewed as antiquated and ignorant. However, this verse is in the imperative form, which means that I must continually choose to respect my husband.

"But, what if you feel (and possibly rightly so) that your husband's personality (character, talents, abilities, etc) doesn't deserve your respect? You may ask, 'Am I released from God's commandment?" No. Shaun has been appointed by God to be the authority over our family and I am commanded to respect his position...both outwardly and in my heart.

I believe there is much more to respect than simply being a commandment for wives. I think it is one of, if not the greatest need a man has. I think we as women don't understand how important respect is to a man. Our greatest need is to feel loved, but a man's is to feel respected, trusted and affirmed by us. Acting in a respectful way towards my husband is showing him love. In the same way I want to be loved even when I am unlovable, so I must also respect Shaun when he sins or fails and "on a daily basis when he is just an everyday, ordinary person".

"It will help if you remember that acting in a respectful way it one way to show love to your husbands since 'love does not act unbecomingly' (I Corinthians 13:5). It will also help if you become convinced that you can obey God whether you feel like it or not." I love that! It's hard but its so true. My actions do not need to be ruled by how I feel, how Shaun is acting or what society is pressuring me with. This is my choice.

Definately go check out Leslie's summary and thoughts, along with others who are reading along. In fact, pick up the book. If you are a woman, you will not be sorry for the time you spend reading and studying it.

The Excellent Wife, Ch 9

The Wife's Choice

This chapter was overwhelmingly long, as would my post be if I covered it all. You can go here to get a better feel for the entire chapter. Five principles were covered on the love of a wife for her husband.

Principle #1 Wives are to love their husbands

"Godly love is not primarily a feeling, it is a choice. God will give you (if you are a Christian) supernatural power (grace) to show love to your husband, if you obey God by thinking loving thoughts and doing loving actions."

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." II Corinthians 12:9

Principle #2 Selfishness hinders love

In our culture there is a emphasis on taking care of yourself above all else. From birth, we are naturally lovers of ourselves. But by God's way, in general, "to have the happiness, joy and fulfillment you desire, you must put yourself aside and place God and others first."

Do nothing from selfish or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself: do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4

Principle #3 Bitterness hinders love

"Bitterness grows when you 'take into account a wrong suffered' (I Corinthians 13:5). In other words, as you think about the bad, hurtful things your husband has done, you are feeding bitterness. If you dwell on what your husband has done, your emotional pain will greatly intensify...Confessing bitterness, clearing your conscience and giving blessings will go a long way, but in addition you must put off the bitterness by putting on kind, tender-hearted, and forgiving thoughts."

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:31-32

Principle #4 Fear hinders love

"the wife is specifically told to 'do what is right without being frightened by any fear' (I Peter 3:6). As she does what is right, she will be showing love to God by obeying Him and also showing love to her husband."

Principle #5 The wife is to "put on" love

"Putting on love begins with biblical thoughts and motives and then progresses to your actions." I could be on my soap box for a while talking about thoughts and bringing them to the cross and getting them under submission. I believe with God's help we can line up our thoughts with God's word. In this world of the "quick fix" of divorce after people have "tried" it goes against the mainstream thinking that love is not a feeling, but instead it is an act of your will.

To love is the greatest commandment. This life that I am living is the one shot I am going to get; I want it to be pleasing to God. Most days Shaun is incredibly easy to love but I want to stay diligent for the days or minutes I don't "feel" like it. The rewards are worth the diligent, daily work it requires.

The Excellent Wife, Ch 8

The Wife's Domain

"A godly wife is organized and works hard to operate her home with the least possible chaos. She also creates an optimistic, joyful atmosphere for her family." These were the two different themes laid out in this chapter.

I work part-time from my home so that my husband has the flexibility to participate in raising our children. Some days I wish my "only" responsibility was maintaining our home and being with the girls, but most of the time I am thankful for the arrangement we have. However, it has caused me to be ever searching for the right balance of time and energies between my husband, the kids, my home and work.

"A wife can learn to be a hard worker by 'doing her work heartily as unto the Lord'" Colossians 3:23.

Earlier this year God started dealing with me about getting more organized and deliberate with meals and housework. Through prayer and research I've been slowing setting up a system that has been better for the way things run around here and for my peace of mind.

"She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness." Proverbs 31:27

We all know that the "woman of the house" nearly always sets the tone for the home. "The 'tone' God wants her to set is one of joy, optimism and delight in the Lord and in her family." However, "she easily robs everyone else of joy and like the yeast in the bread she bakes, her ungodly attitudes spread to everyone else." When I read this, I thought of many times when Shaun has noticed that my smile has been missing.

"If you find yourself struggling emotionally with self-pity, not being appreciated , or being used by your family, become aware of your thoughts" and replace them! I am selfish and these thoughts come more often than I like. Is that what I want spreading to my family? To my hard-working husband? To my care-free and happy kids?

When I found out our second child was a girl, the knowledge that these two would be watching me and modeling after what I do really hit me hard. I want them to remember that I delighted in my family and enjoyed the role of keeper of my home. I want my family to know, daily, that I take joy in them and in our home.

Realizing that the atmosphere in our home is created by my attitudes has challenged me to work on a habit of happiness. I love my role of wife and mother and am so thankful that God has put me right where I am.

The Excellent Wife, Ch 7

The Wife's Heart

This chapter dealt with idols of the heart. An idol in our heart is "when something is so important to us that we sin to get it or we sin when it doesn't go well". That 'thing' can even be a good thing but "as idolatrous sin abounds, painful emotions increase, and the pressure builds. It is like a steam engine with no safety or relief valve. If you do not repent and turn to God for a refuge (comfort and relief on His terms), you will be forced to seek relief, comfort and escape somewhere else."

A heart that longs after God is a gift of grace from Him. God wants to give me a deep passionate heart for Him, if I ask. The list from the book is excellent, I need to post it somewhere (no pun intended) so I remember to "set my mind on the things above" not on what Shaun is or isn't doing for me or how he makes me feel.

1. Think about and deliberately delight in the Lord-His works
2. Build contentment in your life. Frequently thank Him for your circumstances. Think about today and the future in a positive way, look forward to what God is going to do in your life and how He is going to be glorified through you.
3. Pray and ask God to give you new motives. If you delight in Him, He will give you new desires and motives in your heart...He will replace your idolatrous desires with the desires He wants you to have.
4. Invest more of your spare time in Scripture, meditate on Scripture, memorize Scripture, and think about Scripture.
5. Make your goal to please the Lord, not personal happiness.
6. Be alert to sinful anger (you'll feel frustrated) and / or anxiety as an indicator that your motive is likely not righteous. As soon as you are aware that you are sinning, confess it to God. Take the time and effort to think a God-honoring thought in place of the idolatrous thought.

What is my heart set on? Is it on Shaun's actions and how he treats me? It is on what he could do to change so I would be happy? Is it on my expectations of how things should go?

These are idolatrous desires that are sinful and will frustrate me. As wonderful as Shaun is and as good as he is to me, my happiness and the deep desires of my heart cannot be dependant on him. My heart should be set on right desires:

1. That I may know God's Word and obey it.
2. That I may delight in Him.
3. That I may seek Him with all my heart.
4. That I may be pleasing to Him regardless of my circumstances.
5. That I may cultivate an attitude of joy and gratitude in what God is doing in my life no matter what my husband does or does not do.
6. That I may have joy in God deciding how my life and circumstances can glorify Him the most, that He can use me for His glory
   

The Excellent Wife, Ch 6

God's Perfect Plan

Normally I try to write up my own take on the chapter and then read thru every one's posts and comments. This week just got away from me {insert excuse here} and it didn't happen. I got curious about what Leslie and others had to say, so I went ahead and read. I was surprised at the amount of controversy surrounding this chapter! Because there are already great posts on this chapter, I will leave you to go follow the comment path.

One of the things I underlined that made an impression on me was when Peace talked about the harmony that existing before the fall as Adam and Eve fulfilled their roles. "Indeed, one of the impacts of the fall was the beginning of sinful conflict. Subsequently, Christ came to redeem us from the curse and if you are 'in Christ' (as Christians), you and your husband...have the capacity to have the harmony in your marriage that God intended."

God gave Shaun to me and I believe His best plan is for us to fulfill our roles as husband and wife and to live in harmony. His way is so much better than anything we could pull together on our own and I desire to continually seek out the best!

The Excellent Wife, Ch 5

A Wife's Understanding of Marriage

This chapter dealt with the giving and receiving of reproof, reproof that helps the other become more like Jesus. For a Christian couple, the goal in marriage is to have a "oneness that is characterized by a loving spiritual and physical bond that glorifies God and thereby enhances personal growth."

There are two ways God shows us our sin:

1. "For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart." Hebrews 4:12...conviction through the word of God

2. "Better is an open rebuke than love that is concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy." Proverbs 27:5-6...someone tells you

Those of you who know my husband, know that he is a wise and godly man. During these last 17 years of our relationship I have seen Shaun seek God and make good, sound decisions. That history allows me to trust him completely. He is almost always right...its just a fact.

I wish I could say that means that I respond well to his reproof, but almost always my pride is first to speak out (read: he gets the silent treatment) and only later, after some thought on the matter, am I able to change and follow his instruction. "It is never pleasant to realize that other people see you as less than perfect. It is humiliating. However, 'all discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness'. Hebrews 12:11"

Yes, I need to work on my initial response to reproof and have a thankful heart for the wisdom with which my husband leads our house.

The Excellent Wife, Ch 3

A Wife's Understanding of Sin

One of the things that struck me once again was how simple God's plan of salvation is for us. He has already done the work, all we need to do is put our trust in Him. It is so easy...a simple prayer, a simple faith.

We have all sinned and because God is holy, He has to punish sin. We deserve death, but Jesus took our punishment on the cross instead. Now, anyone can be forgiven of their sins and made right. If you "...confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you shall be saved." Romans 10:9

We cannot be "kind enough or good enough to merit God's gift of salvation...God does all the work of man's salvation. Salvation is by His grace, not based on any merit (however "kind") within man. God's provision for sin begins at the cross and continues with 'grace to help' us grow and mature as Christians (Hebrews 4:16)"

If Jesus is not the Lord of your life, you can, right now, confess your sins and ask for God's forgiveness and confess that Jesus is Lord of your life. Confess with your mouth, believe in your heart...it's that simple.
____________________________________________________________
The other thing I took from the chapter is that the "repentance process is not complete until you replace it with a godly, righteous thought. Then you will have 'put off' a self-honoring thought and will have 'put on' a God-honoring thought. It is a process that takes work. How hard you work at putting on the right thoughts and actions will directly affect how much like the Lord Jesus Christ you become in this life."

The marriage-related examples that were given made it very clear how this process works. Just to give you an example, the first one is:

Wrong, sinful Thought- "I hate him!"
Right, godly, Thought- "I don't feel love for him right now, but I choose to love him by responding in a kind way."

In changing our thoughts, we become more Christ-like, we glorify God and we have happier, more fulfilled marriages.

The Excellent Wife, Ch 2

A Wife's Understanding of God

My God is the loving ruler over all the earth, and me. My purpose in life is to serve my Creator and to give Him glory. When I keep that in mind, then I don't have to fight with the selfishness that I often feel. If I can keep my heart and mind on my purpose for being here, then the rest comes so much easier.

Through this week's reading, I was reminded again that God has planned for my ministry to be serving my husband and being a helper to him. This is His high calling for me! As a loving Father, He has created good works for me to do. These include not only what I do in my relationship with my husband, but my attitude and the motive of my heart. It's so easy (too easy) for me to judge others, specifically, my husband to see if he is doing his job right. In reality, my huband is responsible to God for his actions and decisions...its between them, not me. I have to ask, "Am I doing the good works that God intended for me?'"

Since God is the "determiner of what is right" then I can rest in that and not be afraid. It's true, if I'm honest, that the reason I am afraid to do what God wants is that I am afraid I won't get my way. That's where having the knowledge of my purpose in life comes in. Simply put, it's not about me. God wants me to be "joyful and fulfilled" and that happens when I "actively choose" to place myself under my husband's authority. It's my choice.

"When you are under your husband's (limited by God) authority, you are really putting yourself in the safest possible place-in God's will". God's will. Yes, I know without thinking twice that that is where I want to be in all parts of my life.

Now that I am a parent, I have so much more insight into God's love for me. One of the most basic needs my children have is for me to keep them safe and out of danger's way. At ages 2 and 1, they do not see "the big picture" and don't understand why I insist they stay on the sidewalk on our walks or hold my hand in parking lots. Often, they see my instructions (commands, really) as restrictive and unfair but as you fellow parents know, I am doing it out of love for them...I don't want any harm to come to them...I want them to stay where it is safe.

Similarly, albeit on a grander scale, God has set up a protective structure; for me to be under my husband's authority. "His plan was devised from His perfectly pure heart of love." Sometimes its hard to understand, but I will never be all God has intended for me until I choose to put myself under my husband's authority. That's where it is safe for me...that's where I am in the sweet spot of God's will.

The Excellent Wife, Ch 1

I have joined a reading group, created by Leslie, Lux Venit Reading Group and when I figure out how to create a link, I will do that: http://luxvenit.blogspot.com/. I have to say I am still a bit reticent about having and maintaining this web log "blog" but this is the very reason I finally took the plunge. So that I could start this community with Christian women who, along with me desire to become more like Christ.

There is so much in the bible about the role of a wife and I am looking forward to weeding through them all with this book, The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace and this group.

Chapter 1 had plenty in it, several things that struck me in particular.

"God's will for every Christian wife is that her most important ministry be to her husband (Genesis 2:18). After a wife's own personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, nothing else should have greater priority. Her husband should be the primary benefactor of his wife's time and energy, not the recipient of what may be left over at the end of the day. Whether her husband is a faithful Christian man or an unbeliever, God wants every Christian woman to be a godly wife - an excellent wife."

Yes, I know this, BUT. And but. And but. Well, when it comes right down to it (which I'm afraid this book is going to do more and more!) those buts are sin.

"[Sin is] failing to trust in and do what God's word says. Sin is wanting to do things [my] own way rather than God's way." It presumes God will help me even when I've neglected His truth and it is thinking I am ok without God's help.

God's but: "God made Him (Jesus Christ) who knew no sin to be sin for us so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God" 2 Cor 5:21 AND "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness" 1 John 1:9. Amazing love and mercy!

Thankfully, He hasn't left me to figure it out on my own and "give it my best shot". He has given me the Holy Spirit to help me obey what His word says and "everything pertaining to life and godliness".